I have yet to go buy this book, but now that I have started this blog I will have to so I have it in my library. It was written by Diane Medved, PhD and wife of Michael Medved, the talk radio host. She began with the intention of writing a book on the case for divorce and in the process discovered there were more reasons against divorce than for. This link will take you to an excerpt of the book with a copy of the index as well. And a place to order it from Amazon.
If you are thinking of divorce please read this book first. All marriages are worth bringing back to life.
http://www.amazon.com/reader/0804106339?_encoding=UTF8&ref_=sib_dp_ptu#reader_0804106339
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The three pillars of marriage
I haven't figured out how to post this as a regular link, but you can copy and paste it to be able to listen to this talk.
http://www.byub.org/familyexpo/2001/asx/Richardson.asx
http://www.byub.org/familyexpo/2001/asx/Richardson.asx
A talk I gave in March 2009
Good afternoon bro and sisters. I have the privilege of speaking today on a subject that is near and dear to my heart. I would like to preface my remarks today with some thoughts from Elder Boyd K Packer given at the world wide training session last year. He said:
“Furthermore, we know that [many in the church] are not now married, nor do some have an intact family fitting the ideal we regularly refer to in the Church. Please be assured we are fully aware of the many different circumstances that exist among our members. We love every one of you. We also realize that as more and more families are in disarray and as many cultural forces devalue marriage, children, and traditional family life, the General Authorities and general officers of the Church feel increased urgency to speak of ideals and gospel-centered principles….
....It is precisely because many don’t have, or perhaps have never even seen, that ideal and because some cultural forces steadily move us away from that ideal, that we speak about what our Father in Heaven wishes for us in His eternal plan for His children…..
…..family circumstances may differ. But all of us can agree on the pattern as it comes from God, and we can strive for its realization the best way we can…. ]
…We take great strength in knowing the Lord has spoken on these matters, and we accept His counsel ….How grateful we are that the Lord has said, “I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived” (D&C 52:14)”
My remarks today are intended to do just that. To be a review of the pattern the Lord has set for us to strive for.
In primary this year our theme is My Eternal Family. We have the opportunity to help you teach the principles of Eternal Family to your children.
When it comes to families, what is the Lord’s pattern? In the opening paragraph of the Family, a Proclamation to the World the First Presidency and council of the 12 apostles proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the creators plan for the eternal destiny of his children. They don’t just state these words, they proclaim them and they don’t proclaim that marriage is a good idea and we should try it if we get around to it some day. They proclaim marriage is central and later that it is essential to His eternal plan.
To understand the importance of that statement we must understand the plan of happiness. As members of the church we know that we lived with God before coming to this earth. We know, as the proclamation goes on to say:
“all human beings, male and female, are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents and as such each has a divine nature and destiny…
We also know that:
…In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life.
Do we believe that? That we have a divine destiny as an heir of eternal life?
If so, then there is no other idea or plan that should entice us. Marriage is the means by which God planned for his children to gain those bodies spoken of. Marriage is the foundation for the family.
The proclamation goes on to say, “The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants made available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.”
Thus we see that not only marriage is central and essential to God’s plan, but marriage in the temple is central and essential as it allows the family relationship to be eternal, meaning not just beyond the grave, but with God. We can only return to him through the ordinances made available there.
Can one be happy in this life without the ordinances of the temple? Of course one can, just as one can be happy without the ordinance of baptism. But what kind of happiness is it. This earth life is temporary and so earthly happiness must therefore be temporary.
In order to achieve Eternal Happiness we must follow the pattern that will allow us to achieve it.
We are further instructed in Doc and Cov. 131:1-3 that in the celestial glory [which is where we will realize our divine destiny] there are three heavens or degrees, and in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood, [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]. And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.
Thus we see that just as we get baptized because it is the gate to the path back to God, we marry in the temple because it is the only way to become that heir of eternal life spoken of earlier.
I discovered a quote a while back by Shakespeare that that I love and it is now on the walls of our home :
“He is the half part of a blessed man, left to be finished by such as she;
And she a fair divided excellence, whose fullness of perfection lies in him.”
Upon reading it, my mind took me to the scripture found in
1 Corinthians 11:11: “Nevertheless, neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”
Imagine it. What a wonderful world this would be if we could all know and understand the concept that men and women complete each other. How could one ever not want to get married and stay married? How could one not want an eternal marriage if we cannot “be in the Lord without it.”?
Once we are married in the temple I ask if all is done? As stated in 2 Nephi 31 in speaking about baptism, I say “nay” We have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.
vs. 20, “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of [all men] our spouse. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
How do we press forward in marriage?
The Proclamation further states that husbands and wives have an obligation to love and care for one another.
My husband, Kevin, affectionately know to many as Bob, and I celebrated our 33 anniversary just a couple of weeks ago. I did not know or understand the previous principles of completing each other when we were first married.
One time when I was feeling sorry for myself I found a book at the library titled “His Needs her needs” by Willard F Harley Jr. My favorite quote from his book is “Discover the needs of your spouse and learn to meet them. We all feel love differently and if we try to show our love to our spouse the way we feel loved, they might not recognize what you are doing as love. Meeting our spouses’ needs will always make them feel loved.
I discovered another concept of loving from a talk given by a friend of mine titled there is more than one way to fold a towel.
She spoke of how her mother taught her to fold towels and how when she grew up and left home, she discovered a different way to fold towels that she liked better. Was her mother’s way the right way? It was for her mother, but in her house she had discovered a new way. Is there only one right way to fold a towel? No. Since the way we fold a towel doesn’t have an affect on our salvation, the way we fold it doesn’t really matter if the end result is a folded towel. Speaking as a woman, I think we have a tendency to knit pick at our husbands. We sometimes forget that there is more than one way to fold a towel. We often think our way is the only way and have a tendency to want to change our husband instead of taking Sis Marjory Hinckley’s advice.
In speaking of their first year of marriage she has said, “We loved each other; there was no doubt about that, but we also had to get used to each other. I think every couple has to get used to each other. Early on I realized it would be better if we worked harder to get used to each other than constantly try to change each other.
Another quote I like by William James is “the essence of genius [or love as I like to say] is to know what to overlook.”
I have seen many a marriage and too many eternal marriages thrown away because they could not do that.
Many also give up because they feel sorry for themselves and give in to the feeling of aren’t I entitled to some happiness? Martha Washington expressed that it was her experience that the greater part of ones happiness or misery depended more upon our dispositions, than our circumstances.
In my study of the scriptures, I have found only one group of people that are entitled to anything.
All other reception of blessings rely on the keeping of the commandments upon which they are predicated.
So, who is the group that is entitled to something without predication? The answer is found again in the Proclamation.
Parents also have an obligation to love their children, and children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father, and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.
[This is a very important concept for you teenagers to remember and understand. The sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between a man and woman lawfully wedded as husband and wife precisely so that this entitlement may be realized by a child being born into this world.]
To expand on this thought [of a childs entitlement] and to share some ideas on how to be steadfast and endure to the end that can also be found in the proclamation…. Children are entitled to parents who read the Book of Mormon to them daily to help their faith in Jesus Christ grow. [I testify that doing so will also be a sheild and a protection not only to your children, but to your marriage.] They are entitled to parents who pray together, who have learned to forgive each other through the atonement of the Savior. They are entitled to parents who respect each other, who love each other, who are compassionate, who know how to work and how to play with them.
They are entitled to parents that teach them the gospel. The best teacher is always example, but that alone is not enough. I asked members of my family what made them want to marry in the temple. The parents example of attendance was high on the list, but it was much more than that. They wanted to go because,
…We talked of temple marriage, we rejoiced in temple marriage, and we preached of temple marriage….that our children may know to what means they may obtain eternal life. [2 Nephi 25]
In addition, it was expected that thit is what would happen. [A testimony of temple marriage grows just as a testimony of the Savior grows.]
Children are also entitled to parents who understand that equal responsibility does not mean the same responsibility. To parents who are learning to understand that they are to complete each other, not compete with each other.
How wonderful my life has become since I have discovered these statements to be true and have tried to live my life as they suggest, realizing that my true perfection lies not only with my being bound to my Savior, but being bound to my spouse.
I would never trade the journey I have traveled so far to get to the eternally happily ever after that I am experiencing right now.
I am grateful for parents who taught me the gospel including temple marriage. And for children who chose to accept the gospel that we tried to teach them as they grew in our home…….
…In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
By Rulene E Walk
March 2009
I testify that by marrying in the temple and learning to complete each other, we will receive that blessing which is predicated upon these things, even that of being an heir of eternal life. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
“Furthermore, we know that [many in the church] are not now married, nor do some have an intact family fitting the ideal we regularly refer to in the Church. Please be assured we are fully aware of the many different circumstances that exist among our members. We love every one of you. We also realize that as more and more families are in disarray and as many cultural forces devalue marriage, children, and traditional family life, the General Authorities and general officers of the Church feel increased urgency to speak of ideals and gospel-centered principles….
....It is precisely because many don’t have, or perhaps have never even seen, that ideal and because some cultural forces steadily move us away from that ideal, that we speak about what our Father in Heaven wishes for us in His eternal plan for His children…..
…..family circumstances may differ. But all of us can agree on the pattern as it comes from God, and we can strive for its realization the best way we can…. ]
…We take great strength in knowing the Lord has spoken on these matters, and we accept His counsel ….How grateful we are that the Lord has said, “I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived” (D&C 52:14)”
My remarks today are intended to do just that. To be a review of the pattern the Lord has set for us to strive for.
In primary this year our theme is My Eternal Family. We have the opportunity to help you teach the principles of Eternal Family to your children.
When it comes to families, what is the Lord’s pattern? In the opening paragraph of the Family, a Proclamation to the World the First Presidency and council of the 12 apostles proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the creators plan for the eternal destiny of his children. They don’t just state these words, they proclaim them and they don’t proclaim that marriage is a good idea and we should try it if we get around to it some day. They proclaim marriage is central and later that it is essential to His eternal plan.
To understand the importance of that statement we must understand the plan of happiness. As members of the church we know that we lived with God before coming to this earth. We know, as the proclamation goes on to say:
“all human beings, male and female, are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents and as such each has a divine nature and destiny…
We also know that:
…In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life.
Do we believe that? That we have a divine destiny as an heir of eternal life?
If so, then there is no other idea or plan that should entice us. Marriage is the means by which God planned for his children to gain those bodies spoken of. Marriage is the foundation for the family.
The proclamation goes on to say, “The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants made available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.”
Thus we see that not only marriage is central and essential to God’s plan, but marriage in the temple is central and essential as it allows the family relationship to be eternal, meaning not just beyond the grave, but with God. We can only return to him through the ordinances made available there.
Can one be happy in this life without the ordinances of the temple? Of course one can, just as one can be happy without the ordinance of baptism. But what kind of happiness is it. This earth life is temporary and so earthly happiness must therefore be temporary.
In order to achieve Eternal Happiness we must follow the pattern that will allow us to achieve it.
We are further instructed in Doc and Cov. 131:1-3 that in the celestial glory [which is where we will realize our divine destiny] there are three heavens or degrees, and in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood, [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]. And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.
Thus we see that just as we get baptized because it is the gate to the path back to God, we marry in the temple because it is the only way to become that heir of eternal life spoken of earlier.
I discovered a quote a while back by Shakespeare that that I love and it is now on the walls of our home :
“He is the half part of a blessed man, left to be finished by such as she;
And she a fair divided excellence, whose fullness of perfection lies in him.”
Upon reading it, my mind took me to the scripture found in
1 Corinthians 11:11: “Nevertheless, neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”
Imagine it. What a wonderful world this would be if we could all know and understand the concept that men and women complete each other. How could one ever not want to get married and stay married? How could one not want an eternal marriage if we cannot “be in the Lord without it.”?
Once we are married in the temple I ask if all is done? As stated in 2 Nephi 31 in speaking about baptism, I say “nay” We have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.
vs. 20, “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of [all men] our spouse. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
How do we press forward in marriage?
The Proclamation further states that husbands and wives have an obligation to love and care for one another.
My husband, Kevin, affectionately know to many as Bob, and I celebrated our 33 anniversary just a couple of weeks ago. I did not know or understand the previous principles of completing each other when we were first married.
One time when I was feeling sorry for myself I found a book at the library titled “His Needs her needs” by Willard F Harley Jr. My favorite quote from his book is “Discover the needs of your spouse and learn to meet them. We all feel love differently and if we try to show our love to our spouse the way we feel loved, they might not recognize what you are doing as love. Meeting our spouses’ needs will always make them feel loved.
I discovered another concept of loving from a talk given by a friend of mine titled there is more than one way to fold a towel.
She spoke of how her mother taught her to fold towels and how when she grew up and left home, she discovered a different way to fold towels that she liked better. Was her mother’s way the right way? It was for her mother, but in her house she had discovered a new way. Is there only one right way to fold a towel? No. Since the way we fold a towel doesn’t have an affect on our salvation, the way we fold it doesn’t really matter if the end result is a folded towel. Speaking as a woman, I think we have a tendency to knit pick at our husbands. We sometimes forget that there is more than one way to fold a towel. We often think our way is the only way and have a tendency to want to change our husband instead of taking Sis Marjory Hinckley’s advice.
In speaking of their first year of marriage she has said, “We loved each other; there was no doubt about that, but we also had to get used to each other. I think every couple has to get used to each other. Early on I realized it would be better if we worked harder to get used to each other than constantly try to change each other.
Another quote I like by William James is “the essence of genius [or love as I like to say] is to know what to overlook.”
I have seen many a marriage and too many eternal marriages thrown away because they could not do that.
Many also give up because they feel sorry for themselves and give in to the feeling of aren’t I entitled to some happiness? Martha Washington expressed that it was her experience that the greater part of ones happiness or misery depended more upon our dispositions, than our circumstances.
In my study of the scriptures, I have found only one group of people that are entitled to anything.
All other reception of blessings rely on the keeping of the commandments upon which they are predicated.
So, who is the group that is entitled to something without predication? The answer is found again in the Proclamation.
Parents also have an obligation to love their children, and children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father, and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.
[This is a very important concept for you teenagers to remember and understand. The sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between a man and woman lawfully wedded as husband and wife precisely so that this entitlement may be realized by a child being born into this world.]
To expand on this thought [of a childs entitlement] and to share some ideas on how to be steadfast and endure to the end that can also be found in the proclamation…. Children are entitled to parents who read the Book of Mormon to them daily to help their faith in Jesus Christ grow. [I testify that doing so will also be a sheild and a protection not only to your children, but to your marriage.] They are entitled to parents who pray together, who have learned to forgive each other through the atonement of the Savior. They are entitled to parents who respect each other, who love each other, who are compassionate, who know how to work and how to play with them.
They are entitled to parents that teach them the gospel. The best teacher is always example, but that alone is not enough. I asked members of my family what made them want to marry in the temple. The parents example of attendance was high on the list, but it was much more than that. They wanted to go because,
…We talked of temple marriage, we rejoiced in temple marriage, and we preached of temple marriage….that our children may know to what means they may obtain eternal life. [2 Nephi 25]
In addition, it was expected that thit is what would happen. [A testimony of temple marriage grows just as a testimony of the Savior grows.]
Children are also entitled to parents who understand that equal responsibility does not mean the same responsibility. To parents who are learning to understand that they are to complete each other, not compete with each other.
How wonderful my life has become since I have discovered these statements to be true and have tried to live my life as they suggest, realizing that my true perfection lies not only with my being bound to my Savior, but being bound to my spouse.
I would never trade the journey I have traveled so far to get to the eternally happily ever after that I am experiencing right now.
I am grateful for parents who taught me the gospel including temple marriage. And for children who chose to accept the gospel that we tried to teach them as they grew in our home…….
…In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
By Rulene E Walk
March 2009
I testify that by marrying in the temple and learning to complete each other, we will receive that blessing which is predicated upon these things, even that of being an heir of eternal life. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Advice I give to the newly married, but works for all
1. Read the Book of Mormon daily. [Alma 33:19-21; 37:46,] I promise this will bless your whole life. [even if you are not a Mormon, I promise you that doing this will bless your marriage too.]
2. Speak to Heavenly Father daily and let the Savior be your guide.
3. Be committed and kind to one another. In a marriage the word love is a verb not a noun.
4. The American philosopher, William James once said: The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
Sis Marjory Hinckley has shared that early on in her marriage she realized it would be better if they worked harder to get used to each other than constantly try to change each other.
And in the words of a Collin Raye song: I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry and I know you do the same things too, so we’re really not that different, me and you..
Do not let your marriage be destroyed by something that could have been overlooked, or forgiven.
5. Discover each others needs and learn to meet them. We all feel love in different ways. . We all have different needs and having them met is what makes us feel loved. When we meet our spouses needs we are making deposits in their love bank. Work hard to make more deposits than withdrawals and you will earn interest 100 fold.
2. Speak to Heavenly Father daily and let the Savior be your guide.
3. Be committed and kind to one another. In a marriage the word love is a verb not a noun.
4. The American philosopher, William James once said: The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
Sis Marjory Hinckley has shared that early on in her marriage she realized it would be better if they worked harder to get used to each other than constantly try to change each other.
And in the words of a Collin Raye song: I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry and I know you do the same things too, so we’re really not that different, me and you..
Do not let your marriage be destroyed by something that could have been overlooked, or forgiven.
5. Discover each others needs and learn to meet them. We all feel love in different ways. . We all have different needs and having them met is what makes us feel loved. When we meet our spouses needs we are making deposits in their love bank. Work hard to make more deposits than withdrawals and you will earn interest 100 fold.
Agency and Love in Marriage
By Elder Lynn G. Robbins
Of the Seventy
Ensign, Oct 2000, 16
Church doctrine teaches us how to nurture and strengthen marriages as well as how to keep the romance in them.
Falling in love is a powerful thing. There have doubtless been more books written, more movies made, more songs sung about love and falling in love than about any other topic. Finding a person to love is the ultimate treasure hunt. Falling in love, one person reflected, is finding “someone just right, someone you loved like the best pal you ever had and the worst crush you ever had.” 1 It can be so consuming that the desire to be with another becomes unrelenting, occupying your every thought, your every desire, your every minute of the day. It’s intense. It’s exhilarating. To fully portray the feeling on paper has always been elusive to even the most adept poets. To comprehend it, love has to be experienced. And oh, what a wonderful experience! He captures her heart, she captures his; there is a mutual victory and surrendering for both.
“The Lord has ordained that we should marry,” said President Gordon B. Hinckley, “that we shall live together in love and peace and harmony. … The time will come when you will fall in love. It will occupy all of your thoughts and be the stuff of which your dreams are made. … You will know no greater happiness than that found in your home. … The truest mark of your success in life will be the quality of your marriage. … This choice [of a companion] will be the most important of all the choices you make in your life.” 2
Somewhere in the history of the English language the expression “fall in love” began to be used to describe the sublime experience of finding someone to love. While it is a beautiful idiom, there was inherent risk involved in selecting the verb fall because it mostly means accidental, involuntary, with no choice involved. And subtly, it has also led to the use of its distressing corollary, “We fell out of love,” an all-too-common phrase heard nowadays as an excuse for a failed marriage. “Falling in love” and “falling out of love” sound as if love were something that cannot be controlled.
Many who feel they are falling out of love with their spouse throw their hands up in resignation as if they were victims of an outside influence that controls them. They begin to wonder, “Do I really want to be married to this man (or woman) for eternity?” Having fallen out of love, as they suppose, they begin to drift apart, often saying things to hurt one another. “I don’t love you anymore” is a common assertion. They tolerate one another for the children’s sake, resenting one another; or they separate, believing their differences to be irreconcilable. The result is a damaged or destroyed family, another casualty of Satan’s assault.
How could something so glorious and beautiful as falling in love end up in misery for so many marriages? What goes wrong?
A Love That Lasts
For some people, falling in love is a magical encounter, something that seems to happen at first sight. For others, it is a growing affinity and attraction toward another, like budding blossoms that flower into a beautiful bouquet. Though the first type of love may also bloom like the second, it is often merely glandular, a cotton candy kind of love that has no substance. While it may begin with warm cuddles in moonlit glades, it can soon grow cold as honeymoon memories fade and familiarity turns to faultfinding.
On the other hand, “divine” love, as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, “is not like that association of the world which is misnamed love, but which is mostly physical attraction. When marriage is based on this only, the parties soon tire of each other. There is a break and a divorce, and a new, fresher physical attraction comes with another marriage, which in turn may last only until it too becomes stale. The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity.” 3
Many popular songs and films make reference to loving forever or to an everlasting love. For the world, these lyrics are simply poetic; for us, they are genuine expressions of our divine potential. We believe that eternal love, eternal marriage, and eternal families are “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” 4 However, every couple will encounter some struggles on their journey toward this glorious destiny. There are no perfect marriages in the world because there are no perfect people. But our doctrine teaches us how to nurture our marriages toward perfection and how to keep the romance in them along the way. No one need ever “fall out of love.” Falling out of love is a cunning myth which causes many broken hearts and homes.
“The family is falling apart all over the world,” President Hinckley said. “The old ties that bound together father and mother and children are breaking everywhere. We must face this in our own midst. There are too many broken homes among our own. … Can we not do better? Of course we can.” 5
A Conscious Choice
We know that any commandment by God involves agency. We can obey or disobey, but there is always a choice. Therefore, in Matthew 22, verses 37 and 39, when the Lord says, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,” and “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,” [Matt. 22:37, 39] He is not saying, “I hope you ‘fall in love’ with your neighbor.” The command is a directive, an appeal to the mind to make a conscious choice, involving the mind in reasoning and decision making. The Savior made it clear that love was a command to be obeyed—a command upon which “all the law and the prophets” hang (Matt. 22:40). To achieve a Christlike love we must overcome the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19), control natural impulses, and even love our enemies (see Matt. 5:44). This is a command that requires a decision.
Too many believe that love is a condition, a feeling that involves 100 percent of the heart, something that happens to you. They disassociate love from the mind and, therefore, from agency. In commanding us to love, the Lord refers to something much deeper than romance—a love that is the most profound form of loyalty. He is teaching us that love is something more than feelings of the heart; it is also a covenant we keep with soul and mind.
As we read his counsel to parents, it is obvious that King Benjamin was also aware that agency had much to do with love. “Ye will teach them [your children] to love one another, and to serve one another” (Mosiah 4:15). How can something be taught that cannot be learned? Once again, the scriptures are teaching us about a love that is to be discovered in the mind.
What about love between spouses, which involves the additional elements of romance and intimacy? Does this principle of agency and love, or the command to love, apply to marriage as well?
Once again, the Lord uses the command form of the verb love in “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). It doesn’t require any guesswork here to discern that the Lord is giving us a directive with a presupposition of agency.
In Matthew, the Lord said, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” In His mortal life, He demonstrated a perfect kind of love, then said, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another” (John 13:34; emphasis added). Loving as He loved is a higher form of love than loving “as thyself.” It is a pure love that puts another higher than self. This pure love is the same love that should exist between husbands and wives. In Ephesians 5:25 [Eph. 5:25], the Apostle Paul exhorts, “Husbands, love your wives, [How?] even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” How, then, did Christ love the Church? We have a marvelous definition of this love in 1 Corinthians 13:1–8 [1 Cor. 13:1–8] and Moroni 7:44–47 [Moro. 7:44–47].
As we study each attribute, we would be wise to consider how we are doing in our marriage or future marriage.
Love by decision
While it is obvious that agency is a factor in the character traits listed by the Apostle Paul, it will be impossible to develop these attributes without the Lord’s help. Therefore, the Lord instructs us through Mormon to “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moro. 7:48).
This is the love that is to be applied in marriages, in families, and with our fellowmen. A marriage based on this kind of love becomes the most romantic of all, generating eternal tender feelings between a husband and a wife. It should also be obvious that the heartache leading to divorce can be caused by the negative traits identified in the chart. These traits should be eliminated from our lives and homes.
Thus we have seen that while a person may “fall in love” with a spouse by emotion, the husband or wife progresses and blossoms in love by decision.
It is almost humorous to observe a young unmarried couple in love. After spending an entire day together, they are back together again on the phone that same night. It’s sheer torture for them to be separated. Even in their thoughts they can hardly focus on anything else. Love begins to disrupt their studies or work. Everything else in life becomes a nuisance and an interruption that keeps them apart until they can be together again. In their minds there was never, in the history of the world, a truer love than theirs. We call this level of premarriage intensity “infatuation.”
After they marry, this intensity tapers off. Living under the same roof, they each begin to discover a few peculiar idiosyncracies in the other that they had not seen before. Some of these are irritating. The infatuation begins to fade. Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart.
This is when a dose of true love is needed to rekindle a relationship that is being tested. True love may not restore the same emotional intensity of early courtship, but it will help love remain alive and blooming. Forty years later, Grandpa can go fishing, love Grandma dearly, but more easily endure a short absence from her than he could at a youthful age when smitten with infatuation. Their love is stronger, more mature, and still blossoming.
If a husband and wife are willing to apply the scriptural definition of love to their relationship, even a stale marriage and romance can be revived. Stephen R. Covey relates the following experience:
“At one seminar, after I’d spoken on the importance of demonstrating character within the family, a man came up and said, ‘I like what you’re saying, but my wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to. I guess we don’t love each other anymore. What can I do?’
“ ‘Love her,’ I replied.
“He looked puzzled. ‘How do you love when you don’t feel love?’
“ ‘My friend,’ I responded, ‘love is a verb. The feeling of love is the fruit of love. So love your wife. You did it once, you can do it again. Listen. Empathize. Appreciate. It’s your choice. Are you willing to do that?’
“Of course, I was asking this man if he was willing to search within himself for the character required to make his marriage work. All our relationships follow the contours of life; they have ups and downs. This is why our families provide a critical measure of our character—and the opportunity, again and again to nurture it.” 6
“I Love You”: A Commitment
Because love is as much a verb as it is a noun, the phrase “I love you” is much more a promise of behavior and commitment than it is an expression of feeling. “I love you” is a phrase we should be using in our homes much more than we do. If we don’t teach our children to use this phrase, they’ll be very uncomfortable with it throughout their lives and may not use it very much in their own marriage or with their own children. In my family, as we conclude our family prayer and scripture study in the morning, everyone gives one another a hug and each says, “I love you,” brothers to sisters, sisters to brothers, parents to children, and my wife and I to one another. It is a wonderful way to start the day and a good way to fulfill King Benjamin’s advice to teach our children to love (see Mosiah 4:15).
Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine—you can’t “fall out of love,” because love is something you decide. Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not “fall into,” strong, loving marriages and families. “Don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry.” 7
Let us hearken to President Hinckley’s counsel: “I lift a warning voice to our people. We have moved too far toward the mainstream of society in this matter. Now, of course, there are good families. There are good families everywhere. But there are too many who are in trouble. This is a malady with a cure. The prescription is simple and wonderfully effective. It is love. It is plain, simple, everyday love and respect. It is a tender plant that needs nurturing. But it is worth all of the effort we can put into it.” 8
It is only by our constant, committed effort that we will make the love we share with our spouse a constant for eternity.
[photo] Inset: Photo by Michael McConkie
[photos] Photography by Welden C. Andersen, Craig Dimond, Russell Holt, Kelly Larsen, Steve Tregeagle
[photos] Photography by Kelly Larsen
[photo] Inset: Photo by Steve Bunderson
Notes
1. Mary Roach, “Much ‘I Do’ about Mr. Right,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1998, 162.
2. “Living Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry,” Ensign, May 1998, 51; emphasis added.
3. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball (1982), 248.
4. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102.
5. “Look to the Future,” Ensign, Nov. 1997, 69.
6. “Why Character Counts,” Reader’s Digest, Jan. 1999, 135.
7. Spencer W. Kimball, quoted in Joe J. Christensen, “Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness,” Ensign, May 1995, 64; emphasis in original.
8. Ensign, Nov. 1997, 69; emphasis added.
^ Back to top
By Elder Lynn G. Robbins
Of the Seventy
Ensign, Oct 2000, 16
Church doctrine teaches us how to nurture and strengthen marriages as well as how to keep the romance in them.
Falling in love is a powerful thing. There have doubtless been more books written, more movies made, more songs sung about love and falling in love than about any other topic. Finding a person to love is the ultimate treasure hunt. Falling in love, one person reflected, is finding “someone just right, someone you loved like the best pal you ever had and the worst crush you ever had.” 1 It can be so consuming that the desire to be with another becomes unrelenting, occupying your every thought, your every desire, your every minute of the day. It’s intense. It’s exhilarating. To fully portray the feeling on paper has always been elusive to even the most adept poets. To comprehend it, love has to be experienced. And oh, what a wonderful experience! He captures her heart, she captures his; there is a mutual victory and surrendering for both.
“The Lord has ordained that we should marry,” said President Gordon B. Hinckley, “that we shall live together in love and peace and harmony. … The time will come when you will fall in love. It will occupy all of your thoughts and be the stuff of which your dreams are made. … You will know no greater happiness than that found in your home. … The truest mark of your success in life will be the quality of your marriage. … This choice [of a companion] will be the most important of all the choices you make in your life.” 2
Somewhere in the history of the English language the expression “fall in love” began to be used to describe the sublime experience of finding someone to love. While it is a beautiful idiom, there was inherent risk involved in selecting the verb fall because it mostly means accidental, involuntary, with no choice involved. And subtly, it has also led to the use of its distressing corollary, “We fell out of love,” an all-too-common phrase heard nowadays as an excuse for a failed marriage. “Falling in love” and “falling out of love” sound as if love were something that cannot be controlled.
Many who feel they are falling out of love with their spouse throw their hands up in resignation as if they were victims of an outside influence that controls them. They begin to wonder, “Do I really want to be married to this man (or woman) for eternity?” Having fallen out of love, as they suppose, they begin to drift apart, often saying things to hurt one another. “I don’t love you anymore” is a common assertion. They tolerate one another for the children’s sake, resenting one another; or they separate, believing their differences to be irreconcilable. The result is a damaged or destroyed family, another casualty of Satan’s assault.
How could something so glorious and beautiful as falling in love end up in misery for so many marriages? What goes wrong?
A Love That Lasts
For some people, falling in love is a magical encounter, something that seems to happen at first sight. For others, it is a growing affinity and attraction toward another, like budding blossoms that flower into a beautiful bouquet. Though the first type of love may also bloom like the second, it is often merely glandular, a cotton candy kind of love that has no substance. While it may begin with warm cuddles in moonlit glades, it can soon grow cold as honeymoon memories fade and familiarity turns to faultfinding.
On the other hand, “divine” love, as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, “is not like that association of the world which is misnamed love, but which is mostly physical attraction. When marriage is based on this only, the parties soon tire of each other. There is a break and a divorce, and a new, fresher physical attraction comes with another marriage, which in turn may last only until it too becomes stale. The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity.” 3
Many popular songs and films make reference to loving forever or to an everlasting love. For the world, these lyrics are simply poetic; for us, they are genuine expressions of our divine potential. We believe that eternal love, eternal marriage, and eternal families are “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” 4 However, every couple will encounter some struggles on their journey toward this glorious destiny. There are no perfect marriages in the world because there are no perfect people. But our doctrine teaches us how to nurture our marriages toward perfection and how to keep the romance in them along the way. No one need ever “fall out of love.” Falling out of love is a cunning myth which causes many broken hearts and homes.
“The family is falling apart all over the world,” President Hinckley said. “The old ties that bound together father and mother and children are breaking everywhere. We must face this in our own midst. There are too many broken homes among our own. … Can we not do better? Of course we can.” 5
A Conscious Choice
We know that any commandment by God involves agency. We can obey or disobey, but there is always a choice. Therefore, in Matthew 22, verses 37 and 39, when the Lord says, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,” and “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,” [Matt. 22:37, 39] He is not saying, “I hope you ‘fall in love’ with your neighbor.” The command is a directive, an appeal to the mind to make a conscious choice, involving the mind in reasoning and decision making. The Savior made it clear that love was a command to be obeyed—a command upon which “all the law and the prophets” hang (Matt. 22:40). To achieve a Christlike love we must overcome the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19), control natural impulses, and even love our enemies (see Matt. 5:44). This is a command that requires a decision.
Too many believe that love is a condition, a feeling that involves 100 percent of the heart, something that happens to you. They disassociate love from the mind and, therefore, from agency. In commanding us to love, the Lord refers to something much deeper than romance—a love that is the most profound form of loyalty. He is teaching us that love is something more than feelings of the heart; it is also a covenant we keep with soul and mind.
As we read his counsel to parents, it is obvious that King Benjamin was also aware that agency had much to do with love. “Ye will teach them [your children] to love one another, and to serve one another” (Mosiah 4:15). How can something be taught that cannot be learned? Once again, the scriptures are teaching us about a love that is to be discovered in the mind.
What about love between spouses, which involves the additional elements of romance and intimacy? Does this principle of agency and love, or the command to love, apply to marriage as well?
Once again, the Lord uses the command form of the verb love in “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). It doesn’t require any guesswork here to discern that the Lord is giving us a directive with a presupposition of agency.
In Matthew, the Lord said, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” In His mortal life, He demonstrated a perfect kind of love, then said, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another” (John 13:34; emphasis added). Loving as He loved is a higher form of love than loving “as thyself.” It is a pure love that puts another higher than self. This pure love is the same love that should exist between husbands and wives. In Ephesians 5:25 [Eph. 5:25], the Apostle Paul exhorts, “Husbands, love your wives, [How?] even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” How, then, did Christ love the Church? We have a marvelous definition of this love in 1 Corinthians 13:1–8 [1 Cor. 13:1–8] and Moroni 7:44–47 [Moro. 7:44–47].
As we study each attribute, we would be wise to consider how we are doing in our marriage or future marriage.
As we study each attribute, we would be wise to consider how we are doing in our marriage or future marriage.
| |||
| | | ||
| | | | |
| “Suffereth long” (1 Cor. 13:4) | • Is patient and tolerant, does not criticize. Recognizes that spouse is progressing, is patient with imperfections. | • Is intolerant, ill-tempered, critical, cranky.
| • Is impatient, complains, gives the silent treatment. |
| “Is kind” (1 Cor. 13:4) | • Is nice, thoughtful, interested in others.
| • Is mean, miserly, cruel, inconsiderate, unmerciful.
| • Is indifferent, remote, unconcerned, uninterested, unresponsive. |
| “Envieth not” (1 Cor. 13:4) | • Is content, grateful for blessings.
| • Is resentful, jealous, greedy, covetous.
| • Is ungrateful.
|
| “Is not puffed up” (1 Cor. 13:4) | • Is humble, meek, teachable.
| • Is proud, eager for attention, self-centered, pompous, boastful.
| • Does not praise or give due credit to others.
|
| “Doth not behave itself unseemly” (1 Cor. 13:5) | • Is courteous, well mannered, tactful, tasteful, reverent, respectful, mindful of others.
| • Is discourteous, crude, disrespectful, indecent, improper, irreverent.
| • Doesn’t say “please” or “thank you.”
|
| “Seeketh not her own” (1 Cor. 13:5) | • Is tender-hearted, sensitive, compassionate, merciful, generous.
| • Is demanding, controlling, selfish, manipulative, blaming.
| • Doesn’t say “I’m sorry.”
|
| “Is not easily provoked” (1 Cor. 13:5) | • Is forgiving, patient, calm, gentle, respectful.
| • Is irritable, spiteful, vengeful.
| • Argues over every silly little thing, is not open minded.
|
| “Thinketh no evil” (1 Cor. 13:5) | • Is nonjudgmental, respectful, helpful, pure, obedient.
| • Is cruel, conniving, deceitful, dishonest.
| • Is judgmental, prejudiced, faultfinding.
|
| “Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth” (1 Cor. 13:6) | • Stays close to the Spirit through regular scripture study, prayer, obedience.
| • Has an “eat, drink, and be merry” mentality.
| • Is light-minded.
|
| “Beareth all things” (1 Cor. 13:7) | • Has moral courage, is bold in truth.
| • Is insulting, defensive, irritable, touchy, grouchy, moody.
| • Is ungrateful.
|
| “Believeth all things” (1 Cor. 13:7) | • Clearly sees the eternal potential of spouse and forever families.
| • Doubts spouse’s potential, is critical and cynical.
| • Is distanced, remote, inattentive, insensitive.
|
| “Hopeth all things” (1 Cor. 13:7) | • Is an optimist.
| • Is a pessimist.
| • Is a fatalist.
|
| “Endureth all things” (1 Cor. 13:7) | • Doesn’t complain or murmur.
| • Is always complaining, murmuring.
| • Is lukewarm or gives half-hearted effort.
|
| “Charity never faileth” (1 Cor. 13:8) | • Loves as Christ loves us.
| • “Falls out of love.”
| • Has wandering eyes.
|
Love by decision
While it is obvious that agency is a factor in the character traits listed by the Apostle Paul, it will be impossible to develop these attributes without the Lord’s help. Therefore, the Lord instructs us through Mormon to “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moro. 7:48).
This is the love that is to be applied in marriages, in families, and with our fellowmen. A marriage based on this kind of love becomes the most romantic of all, generating eternal tender feelings between a husband and a wife. It should also be obvious that the heartache leading to divorce can be caused by the negative traits identified in the chart. These traits should be eliminated from our lives and homes.
Thus we have seen that while a person may “fall in love” with a spouse by emotion, the husband or wife progresses and blossoms in love by decision.
It is almost humorous to observe a young unmarried couple in love. After spending an entire day together, they are back together again on the phone that same night. It’s sheer torture for them to be separated. Even in their thoughts they can hardly focus on anything else. Love begins to disrupt their studies or work. Everything else in life becomes a nuisance and an interruption that keeps them apart until they can be together again. In their minds there was never, in the history of the world, a truer love than theirs. We call this level of premarriage intensity “infatuation.”
After they marry, this intensity tapers off. Living under the same roof, they each begin to discover a few peculiar idiosyncracies in the other that they had not seen before. Some of these are irritating. The infatuation begins to fade. Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart.
This is when a dose of true love is needed to rekindle a relationship that is being tested. True love may not restore the same emotional intensity of early courtship, but it will help love remain alive and blooming. Forty years later, Grandpa can go fishing, love Grandma dearly, but more easily endure a short absence from her than he could at a youthful age when smitten with infatuation. Their love is stronger, more mature, and still blossoming.
If a husband and wife are willing to apply the scriptural definition of love to their relationship, even a stale marriage and romance can be revived. Stephen R. Covey relates the following experience:
“At one seminar, after I’d spoken on the importance of demonstrating character within the family, a man came up and said, ‘I like what you’re saying, but my wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to. I guess we don’t love each other anymore. What can I do?’
“ ‘Love her,’ I replied.
“He looked puzzled. ‘How do you love when you don’t feel love?’
“ ‘My friend,’ I responded, ‘love is a verb. The feeling of love is the fruit of love. So love your wife. You did it once, you can do it again. Listen. Empathize. Appreciate. It’s your choice. Are you willing to do that?’
“Of course, I was asking this man if he was willing to search within himself for the character required to make his marriage work. All our relationships follow the contours of life; they have ups and downs. This is why our families provide a critical measure of our character—and the opportunity, again and again to nurture it.” 6
“I Love You”: A Commitment
Because love is as much a verb as it is a noun, the phrase “I love you” is much more a promise of behavior and commitment than it is an expression of feeling. “I love you” is a phrase we should be using in our homes much more than we do. If we don’t teach our children to use this phrase, they’ll be very uncomfortable with it throughout their lives and may not use it very much in their own marriage or with their own children. In my family, as we conclude our family prayer and scripture study in the morning, everyone gives one another a hug and each says, “I love you,” brothers to sisters, sisters to brothers, parents to children, and my wife and I to one another. It is a wonderful way to start the day and a good way to fulfill King Benjamin’s advice to teach our children to love (see Mosiah 4:15).
Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine—you can’t “fall out of love,” because love is something you decide. Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not “fall into,” strong, loving marriages and families. “Don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry.” 7
Let us hearken to President Hinckley’s counsel: “I lift a warning voice to our people. We have moved too far toward the mainstream of society in this matter. Now, of course, there are good families. There are good families everywhere. But there are too many who are in trouble. This is a malady with a cure. The prescription is simple and wonderfully effective. It is love. It is plain, simple, everyday love and respect. It is a tender plant that needs nurturing. But it is worth all of the effort we can put into it.” 8
It is only by our constant, committed effort that we will make the love we share with our spouse a constant for eternity.
[photo] Inset: Photo by Michael McConkie
[photos] Photography by Welden C. Andersen, Craig Dimond, Russell Holt, Kelly Larsen, Steve Tregeagle
[photos] Photography by Kelly Larsen
[photo] Inset: Photo by Steve Bunderson
Notes
1. Mary Roach, “Much ‘I Do’ about Mr. Right,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1998, 162.
2. “Living Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry,” Ensign, May 1998, 51; emphasis added.
3. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball (1982), 248.
4. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102.
5. “Look to the Future,” Ensign, Nov. 1997, 69.
6. “Why Character Counts,” Reader’s Digest, Jan. 1999, 135.
7. Spencer W. Kimball, quoted in Joe J. Christensen, “Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness,” Ensign, May 1995, 64; emphasis in original.
8. Ensign, Nov. 1997, 69; emphasis added.
^ Back to top
the adventure of marriage
The Adventure of Marriage
by Laura M. Brotherson
July 18, 2005
Printed from Mormon Life (http://deseretbook.com/mormon-life)
"Happily ever after" is possible in marriage, but few of us seem to understand, or are willing to do what it takes to create "happily ever after!" Often we are simply unaware of our responsibilities and the requirements of marriage. The purpose of this article is to awaken our hearts and minds to the responsibilities within marriage, and to fortify our faith that marital ONEness is worth the effort.
Marriage is Central to God's Plan
Marriage is central to God's eternal plan for good reason—it is divinely designed as one of the great purifiers of the soul. Marriage holds the potential for life's greatest bliss, but blissful moments are mixed in with a lot of soul?expanding personal growth. In designing marriage God not only provided for the fulfillment of our deepest longings for intimate connection, but also coupled it with some of our greatest struggles to drive us toward wholeness.
Wholeness may be described as our quest for perfection, as we strive to smooth off our rough edges; to overcome our sins and weaknesses; to develop our undeveloped capacities; to become fully alive and fully functioning.
God has provided an opportunity and commandment for personal refinement within the adventure of marriage. He invites husband and wife to leave their mother and father, and cleave unto each other and become ONE (see Genesis 2:24). It is as if marriage itself is an enrollment in an excavation of the heart, mind, and soul with the intent to graduate each of us into something more.
Marriage is our invitation to become whole, while in the process of becoming ONE with our spouse—emotionally, spiritually and physically. We have the choice to avoid the hard work of stretching and purifying our souls, or we can roll up our sleeves and go to work! To take two different creatures from differing backgrounds and expect a "coming together as ONE" is an adventure indeed.
While there is much we can individually do to develop ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and physically, the committed, vulnerable and intimate relationship of marriage provides opportunities for growth that may not be available any other way.
Marriage Is a Surprise "Grab Bag"
Marriage is the ultimate surprise "grab bag"—where you never really know what you're going to get. Couples may not realize that within marriage they will discover that their spouse has needs of which neither of them were previously aware. Life itself throws a few curve balls to challenge us. The ongoing process of learning and growth also introduces new demands on the relationship. One example might be of a spouse developing a debilitating or chronic illness where each must develop new abilities to meet each other's needs.
Not understanding marriage as a "grab bag" leads some to feel they've been cheated. They complain that what they thought they were getting is not what they ended up with. The fact is that we are all taken aback somewhat by the experiences life and marriage hands us.
For all couples, once the anesthesia and initial thrill of romantic love wears off, we unexpectedly find ourselves with a new and different spouse and relationship. We may even find that we, ourselves, are not who we thought we were. I had no idea that I would experience the devastation of depression, nor did my husband. That was certainly a surprise that we found in our marital grab bag.
We buy our marital grab bag with great hopes and expectations, believing all will be well. If we will exercise faith, we can know that all things (even difficult things) will give us experience, and be for our ultimate good (see D&C 122:7). It's a wise part of the divine design that our grab bag comes with a no-return policy, so that we will hang in there through the darkness and the pain in order to get to the light and joy. Couples must understand that often the greatest joy and happiness comes from successfully enduring the mountain climbs of life, not in avoiding them.
Some who have not yet entered the adventure of marriage stand at the sidelines longing to trade in their current pain of loneliness for the joys that marriage affords. Others stand outside with fear and trepidation at the thought of all that marriage entails, not understanding that the treasure is worth any trial. Nothing can compare to the peace, joy and delight available in marriage, but neither will anything exact such a price.
Others have entered the adventure of marriage, but they are unaware of how to move from the initial high of romantic love, through the fire of conflict into the awakening—transforming their relationship into real love and intimate ONEness. Many of these good souls choose to exit the drama not knowing that it can lead them to the greatest joys. Others hold on, but check out emotionally, going through the motions of marriage just enough to get by.
My hope is that all who read this article will be ardently aware of the blessed adventure of marriage, and feel inspired to engage themselves fully, so that they may find the exalted ecstasy that God has prepared for them.
Required Responsibilities within Marriage
With such an emphasis on simply "getting married" we sometimes forget to continue to guide couples in order that they be able to create their dreams of "happily ever after." The following are some of the responsibilities that couples must accept in order to create the fulfilling intimate relationship that is possible in marriage:
Marital Responsibilities:
To become self-aware through intimate attention and introspection.
To enroll oneself in serious and significant self-development and personal growth.
To develop unconditional love and acceptance for self and spouse.
To heal and become whole, in order to become ONE.
To identify and be willing to stretch to meet another's needs.
To remain receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater growth and development.
1—To become self-aware
Self-awareness is underdeveloped in many of us. We spend years and years studying for success in a particular profession, yet very little time studying ourselves for success in an intimate relationship. We enter marriage nearly blind to the liabilities and even the assets we bring to the relationship. While we may be ignorant of the potential problems that await, we are also ignorant of the potential solutions already within us.
Self-discovery Journal. Self-discovery is the process of uncovering who we really are—the good and the bad. We need to consciously and confidently know our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. We must regularly dedicate some of our time and effort to taking inventory of our inner selves. A "Self-discovery Journal" is one effective way to be more attentive to our thoughts, feelings and behaviors on a daily basis. Journal therapy is the method of reflecting on our thoughts or feelings, and then putting them into words on paper to help us identify, articulate and process our inner lives. In many ways our participation in the Gospel of Jesus Christ is really about our inner self—how we are developing our spirit self.
Asking Questions.Asking introspective questions can also open our minds to the answers and insights that lie within—"Why do I do that?" "What is this about?" "Where is this coming from?" "How do I really want to be?" Developing an inquisitive mind about oneself opens the door to daily revelations of information that are essential to knowing yourself, and knowing how to unite intimately with another human being. We have the help of our spirit self, as well as the Spirit of God, to guide us in our introspection. Committing this thought processing to paper provides additional growth beyond solely "thinking" about it.
Becoming self-aware can be a difficult process. We may not want to know some things about ourselves. We each have hidden beliefs and characteristics that we don't necessarily like. We'd rather just avoid thinking about them, and hope they might just go away! In my own quest to understand who I am, I have uncovered many things that have been disconcerting, yet pivotal to my greater understanding and ultimate growth.
One example is that somewhere I had developed an unhealthy emphasis on my "doings" over my "being." What I thought was such a strength was also a weakness. I learned that I had somehow picked up the idea that I had to be "productive" or "accomplish" something to be of worth—that my "being" alone was not enough. Elder Dallin H. Oaks addressed this issue of how we worry so much about our "doings" that we neglect to focus on what we are becoming (see "The Challenge to Become," Ensign, Nov. 2000, 32). This issue has affected my life and relationships in many ways. But being aware of this insight has now allowed me to make changes in myself that have resulted in growth and great blessings.
2—To engage in significant self-development
It's been said that marriages don't break up because of what couples do to each other. They break up because of what each must become in order to stay in them (see Ban Breathnach, Something More, 117). Change can be difficult. We often want to change the world (and other people), but we don't want to change ourselves. We think it's the other person that needs to change, especially if they have some obvious or identifiable flaw. But the reality is that every challenge couples face in their marriage, provides equal opportunity for each to purify and perfect their own souls, if they will focus on their part.
While we spend much of our time wishing our spouse would change, we would be much more effective if we would focus on changing ourselves. President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that we can "live together in the God-given pattern of marriage in accomplishing that of which we are capable if we will exercise discipline of self and refrain from trying to discipline our companion" (Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82).
Personal growth is not optional within marriage. Know that when you marry, it is not an optional activity to invest yourself in an intensive self-directed personal development "course." Just plan on it. It will be less of a shock to you when you are confronted with the requirement to change. Marriage demands soul-stretching self-development in ways that are not always easy or convenient. Healthy and happy marriages are most likely to be experienced by those willing to step outside their comfort zones and even expand them!
Marriage is therapy. Marriage is designed as intimate therapy for our heart and soul. We are naturally attracted to someone who will push our buttons. Their personal needs and inner-self issues will be well suited to help us see our weaknesses, and invite us toward wholeness. Dr. Harville Hendrix taught, "Marriage itself is in essence therapy, and your partner's needs chart your path to psychological and spiritual wholeness." (Hendrix, Keeping the Love You Find, 247).
Within the crucible of marriage I have been faced with many opportunities for personal growth. One such opportunity presented itself as I became aware of my relative resistance to touch and affection. It's often true that marriage attracts opposites, or at least those with complementary characteristics. My husband was comfortable with and welcomed touch and affection; whereas I felt I could go without. This "positive" but opposing characteristic in my husband provided a mirror, showing me how I could be, and inviting me to change.
Over time I have changed. Knowing personal growth is a requirement in creating a satisfying relationship, I have learned to enjoy touch and affection, even though it was a stretch for me. Where I once could not fall asleep if my husband was touching me in any way, I now cannot sleep if he is NOT!
If you are a non-toucher, just plan on needing to become more of a toucher. If you are non-expressive emotionally, just plan on needing to become more emotionally expressive. If you are not a sexual person, just plan on needing to become a more sexual person. Having a preliminary understanding of the intricacies and inherent adjustments needed in marriage can help you change in ways that will inevitably be asked of you in order to keep your relationship alive and growing.
Sometimes we are tempted to say of our weaknesses, "That's just the way I am," in hopes that our spouse will just forget about it or deal with it. In marriage there is no such luxury of ignoring our imperfections for long. President George Q. Cannon taught that we have a duty to overcome our weaknesses by seeking those characteristics that will counteract our "natural" tendencies. He said:
"If any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift that will make us perfect. Have I imperfections? I am full of them. What is my duty? To pray to God to give me the gifts that will correct these imperfections. If I am an angry man, it is my duty to pray for charity, which suffereth long and is kind. Am I an envious man? It is my duty to seek for charity, which envieth not. So with all the gifts of the Gospel. They are intended for this purpose. No man ought to say, `Oh, I cannot help this; it is my nature.' He is not justified in it, for the reason that God has promised to give strength to correct these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate them" (Doctrine and Covenants and Church History Teacher's Manual, 84-85; see also Millennial Star, 23 Apr. 1894, 260).
God has promised to show us our weaknesses, in order to humble us and exhibit His power of grace to make our weaknesses into strengths (see Ether 12:27). Consider the possibility that your spouse is God's way of helping you to see your imperfections through the "marital mirror" that both husbands and wives hold up before each other, allowing each to see things they might otherwise ignore. In some ways getting married is like hiring a full-time witness of your follies and weaknesses, with an ever-present invitation to overcome them.
Get educated and get help. One of the saddest things I see is couples who do not realize how much personal growth is needed in marriage, and who wait too long to get help when they've exhausted their own know-how. If couples could go into marriage knowing they are going to need some extensive marriage education, as well as the personal guidance available through professional counseling, then maybe couples wouldn't see counseling in such a stigmatized way, nor would they wait so long to engage some professional assistance.
What a waste when a couple finally realizes they need counseling, but one or both of them have hardened their hearts, and checked out of the marriage to the extent that it is difficult, if not impossible, to save the marriage and avert the inevitable heartbreak for all involved.
Marriage education classes, courses, conferences, books and seminars are a few ways to learn the intricacies of marriage, and develop the relationship skills necessary to create a happy and healthy marriage. One mother wisely told her children to never pass up an opportunity to attend any class or course on marriage. How wonderful it would be if we all felt that same way about obtaining marriage education.
Professional counseling is primarily educational as well, but can provide the specific help that is often needed. I would suggest that nearly every marriage can benefit from counseling, when sought with the help of the Lord. Statistics show that relatively few couples seek the assistance of counseling, even though it has the potential to save marriages and prevent heartbreak.
Don't wait until your marriage is on the brink of dissolution before you begin the humbling journey of self-reflection and development, or before seeking marital assistance through counseling. Don't wait to be compelled to be humble!
3—To develop unconditional love and acceptance for self and spouse.
God has commanded us to love our neighbors (our spouse) as ourselves (see Matthew 22:39). To love oneself requires that we know who we really are, and accept who we are—our strengths and weaknesses. With the self-awareness suggested above we can come to know and accept who we are, which helps us become whole within ourselves. It is then we are in a position to become "one" with another person.
Loving and accepting ourselves unconditionally is an important first step in being able to love our spouse. It is difficult to love and accept another if we don't love and accept our self first. Our capacity to love is related to our personal well-being—our mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves or the "wholeness" of our heart. We can increase our ability and capacity to love by increasing love and acceptance for ourselves. If we do not develop sufficient love for ourselves, our life becomes focused more on getting love than on giving love.
Accepting ourselves has a marvelous side effect—it frees us to change. William James wisely stated, "When I accept myself as I am, I change. When I accept others as they are, they change" (Beam, Becoming One, 97). Acceptance is the key to unlock divine potential within ourselves, and our spouse. It frees us from limiting personal prisons we have created to protect ourselves. Accepting our spouse frees them from the limiting ways in which we see them, removing their defensiveness, which can open the door for them to willingly change. The best way to get someone to change is to let go of trying to change them, and just love them instead.
Accepting our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons our spouse can help us learn. None of us are perfect, but we each have God-given goodness if we will look for it. Having the ability to love and accept another without conditions is to develop the kind of love God has for each of us.
Focusing our attention on another's strengths and goodness helps us to let go of trying to "fix" them, and allows them to learn and grow in their own time and space. This state of unconditional love and acceptance creates the ideal conditions for one's maximum potential growth and development. If there is built-up resentment or bitterness over past errors, seek God's grace to soften your heart. A softened heart allows us to grant the gift of forgiveness, in order to make way for unconditional love and acceptance.
Whether it is when a spouse is unwilling to overcome an addiction, or when a spouse has fears and inhibitions of which they are not yet ready to let go, all couples will be required to learn to love and accept their spouse unconditionally. Count on it!
4—To become whole, in order to become ONE.
God our Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to be ONE, husband and wife, even as they are ONE (see John 17:22). God has also said, "Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine" (D&C 38:27). The self-awareness, self-development and self-acceptance that have been suggested above are for the purpose of restoring our individual wholeness, of overcoming our imperfections, and of gaining in areas that we are lacking, so that we may become ONE with our spouse and with God.
Knowing that the ultimate ideal we are working toward is our personal wholeness and marital ONEness can help us see that our difficult efforts are worth it, and help spur us on amidst the soul-rending process.
5—To identify and be willing to stretch to meet your spouse's needs.
Marriage is about meeting each other's needs. We marry in hopes that our spouse will make everything all right—that we will finally be happy. But we tend to focus more on them meeting, or not meeting, our needs than on how well we are meeting their needs. Many couples are not even fully aware of what their personal needs are and what their spouse's needs are. Thus the necessity of self-awareness and spouse-awareness!
Knowing that couples need to consciously identify and share their specific needs with each other (either verbally or preferably written) can help couples prevent much pain and avoid missing out on many precious feelings of love. I remember the story of a couple whose 30-year marriage was on the verge of divorce when they finally went to see a marriage counselor. After some discussion the husband discovered for the first time what made his wife feel loved. He was heartsick at the realization of what he could have been doing all along that could have prevented so much of their heartache. In anguish he exclaimed, "Why?! Why didn't somebody tell me about this sooner."
Couples need to identify their specific, individualized needs for love, and share that vital information with each other. It can be as simple as both of you making a list of statements that complete the phrase, "I feel loved/cherished when you..." Sharing this information is as if giving each other the very key to your heart. These critical insights allow husbands and wives to be more effective at loving each other meaningfully.
Meeting each other's needs for love can be challenging. Apparently God knew that what our spouse most needs from us might also be that which is most difficult for us to give. This may be part of the divine design for personal refinement within marriage, as we stretch to meet our spouse's needs. Every time we stretch ourselves to love another, we receive personal healing of our own hearts that moves us toward our own wholeness. Each gift of love we give, especially those that are hard for us, comes back to us greatly multiplied.
President Hinckley taught, "If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce" (Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82).
There are many examples of the challenges associated with loving our spouse the way they most need to be loved. One wife feels loved when her husband buys her things, but that husband has the hardest time spending money...coming from a frugal family. In another marriage, the husband feels loved when he hears words of praise, appreciation and encouragement, but his wife's natural inclination is to criticize and look for faults. It is terribly difficult for her to love her husband in the way he most needs her to. What of the many men whose primary feelings of love come from expressions of sexual love, whose wives have a disdain for sex? Obviously significant self-awareness and development will be needed in order to meet each other's needs for love.
6—To remain receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater growth and development.
The sixth marital responsibility I will mention is the need for each of us to remain receptive to the ongoing opportunities that will be presented for our continuing growth and development. In simpler terms we must maintain a soft heart. The state of our heart is of utmost importance not only in our relationships, but also to the Lord. The Lord asks us to offer him a "broken heart and a contrite spirit" (3 Nephi 9:20). Maybe our heartaches help us give this gift of a softened heart, as our heart is broken and refined within the inherent challenges of marriage.
How might we maintain the state of a softened heart? Some suggestions are:
To be grateful in all things, acknowledging God's hand;
To repent daily of our weaknesses;
To be humble and teachable, always ready to learn;
To forgive others and let go of offenses, turning our heartaches over to the Lord;
To have faith and believe in the positive in all things;
To nourish our hearts and minds with the Word of God;
To pray; and
To submit to the Will of God, trusting Him, and aligning our lives with Him.
Wouldn't it be wonderful for all couples to be fully aware of the demands and delights of marriage, and for them to willingly agree to commit to the required responsibilities? The expectations would no longer be such a surprise, and the transition from romantic love to real love could flow much more smoothly.
I've always thought it might be helpful for couples to offer their hearts in marriage by agreeing to some kind of mutual "Marital Informed Consent" pledge. This would indicate their educated understanding of the intricacies of marriage and the efforts that will be required of them. Below is a sample of what couples might want to personally consider, accept, and pledge their souls to regarding the adventure we call marriage:
Marital Pledge
I pledge to come to know myself and develop greater self-awareness by identifying my strengths and weaknesses. I pledge to focus my attention and efforts on overcoming my weaknesses and building upon my strengths. I commit myself to spend regular amounts of time and effort to search my soul and connect with God to teach me what I need to know about myself. I willingly and humbly receive this learning.
I pledge to invest myself in an ongoing, internal self-development process where I put in the necessary effort to overcome my weaknesses, which will allow me to become more whole, as an individual, and to become more ONE with my spouse and God.
I pledge to learn to love and accept myself without conditions, and to do the same for my spouse. I understand that unconditional love is the best environment in which I and my spouse can learn, grow and change.
I pledge to focus on my own weaknesses and my own contributions to our marital challenges rather than on my spouse's faults. As a creator of my life with God-given agency, I pledge to take full responsibility for my actions in any given situation.
I understand that marriage is about meeting each other's needs, even those needs that are difficult for me, or that require significant stretching on my part. I pledge to change myself in whatever ways are needed to be able to love my spouse and meet his/her needs in the way they need me to. I understand that by so doing I heal my own inadequacies and become more whole.
I understand that I have naturally attracted someone whose needs are well suited to require the inevitable growth I need to become whole. This understanding will help me to see our marital challenges as opportunities for growth rather than as proof that I've married the wrong person.
I pledge to remain attentive to the state of my heart and engage in those things that will help me maintain a softened heart, so that I will be able to continue to learn and grow throughout my life.
I understand that should I decide to end this marriage relationship that the demanding personal growth necessary in marriage will still be required in any future relationships.
"Happily ever after" in marriage is possible. It is within reach for all couples. Marriage holds within its embrace the highest bliss, the sweetest connectedness, the warmest touch, and the greatest peace. With a marital road map to identify the required mountain climbs, as well as some of the curves in the road, couples can be better prepared and better equipped for the refiner's fire we call marriage. It is through the refiner's fire that the yearning for intimate connection is ultimately fulfilled; for marriage truly holds the ultimate ecstasy and joy that life and eternity has to offer.
(For more information, see Chapter 13 "Marital Stewardship—Covenants, Commitment and Challenges" in the book And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.)
REFERENCES
Ban Breathnach, Sarah. Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self. New York: Warner Books, 1999.
Beam, Joe. Becoming One: Emotionally, Spiritually, Sexually. West Monroe: Howard Publishing, 1999.
Doctrine and Covenants and Church History: Gospel Doctrine Teacher's Manual. Salt Lake City, 1999.
Hendrix, Harville. Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide. New York: Pocket Books, 1992.
Hinckley, Gordon B. "The Women in Our Lives," Ensign, Nov. 2004.
Oaks, Dallin H. "The Challenge to Become," Ensign, Nov. 2000.
© 2005 Deseret Book Co.
by Laura M. Brotherson
July 18, 2005
Printed from Mormon Life (http://deseretbook.com/mormon-life)
"Happily ever after" is possible in marriage, but few of us seem to understand, or are willing to do what it takes to create "happily ever after!" Often we are simply unaware of our responsibilities and the requirements of marriage. The purpose of this article is to awaken our hearts and minds to the responsibilities within marriage, and to fortify our faith that marital ONEness is worth the effort.
Marriage is Central to God's Plan
Marriage is central to God's eternal plan for good reason—it is divinely designed as one of the great purifiers of the soul. Marriage holds the potential for life's greatest bliss, but blissful moments are mixed in with a lot of soul?expanding personal growth. In designing marriage God not only provided for the fulfillment of our deepest longings for intimate connection, but also coupled it with some of our greatest struggles to drive us toward wholeness.
Wholeness may be described as our quest for perfection, as we strive to smooth off our rough edges; to overcome our sins and weaknesses; to develop our undeveloped capacities; to become fully alive and fully functioning.
God has provided an opportunity and commandment for personal refinement within the adventure of marriage. He invites husband and wife to leave their mother and father, and cleave unto each other and become ONE (see Genesis 2:24). It is as if marriage itself is an enrollment in an excavation of the heart, mind, and soul with the intent to graduate each of us into something more.
Marriage is our invitation to become whole, while in the process of becoming ONE with our spouse—emotionally, spiritually and physically. We have the choice to avoid the hard work of stretching and purifying our souls, or we can roll up our sleeves and go to work! To take two different creatures from differing backgrounds and expect a "coming together as ONE" is an adventure indeed.
While there is much we can individually do to develop ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and physically, the committed, vulnerable and intimate relationship of marriage provides opportunities for growth that may not be available any other way.
Marriage Is a Surprise "Grab Bag"
Marriage is the ultimate surprise "grab bag"—where you never really know what you're going to get. Couples may not realize that within marriage they will discover that their spouse has needs of which neither of them were previously aware. Life itself throws a few curve balls to challenge us. The ongoing process of learning and growth also introduces new demands on the relationship. One example might be of a spouse developing a debilitating or chronic illness where each must develop new abilities to meet each other's needs.
Not understanding marriage as a "grab bag" leads some to feel they've been cheated. They complain that what they thought they were getting is not what they ended up with. The fact is that we are all taken aback somewhat by the experiences life and marriage hands us.
For all couples, once the anesthesia and initial thrill of romantic love wears off, we unexpectedly find ourselves with a new and different spouse and relationship. We may even find that we, ourselves, are not who we thought we were. I had no idea that I would experience the devastation of depression, nor did my husband. That was certainly a surprise that we found in our marital grab bag.
We buy our marital grab bag with great hopes and expectations, believing all will be well. If we will exercise faith, we can know that all things (even difficult things) will give us experience, and be for our ultimate good (see D&C 122:7). It's a wise part of the divine design that our grab bag comes with a no-return policy, so that we will hang in there through the darkness and the pain in order to get to the light and joy. Couples must understand that often the greatest joy and happiness comes from successfully enduring the mountain climbs of life, not in avoiding them.
Some who have not yet entered the adventure of marriage stand at the sidelines longing to trade in their current pain of loneliness for the joys that marriage affords. Others stand outside with fear and trepidation at the thought of all that marriage entails, not understanding that the treasure is worth any trial. Nothing can compare to the peace, joy and delight available in marriage, but neither will anything exact such a price.
Others have entered the adventure of marriage, but they are unaware of how to move from the initial high of romantic love, through the fire of conflict into the awakening—transforming their relationship into real love and intimate ONEness. Many of these good souls choose to exit the drama not knowing that it can lead them to the greatest joys. Others hold on, but check out emotionally, going through the motions of marriage just enough to get by.
My hope is that all who read this article will be ardently aware of the blessed adventure of marriage, and feel inspired to engage themselves fully, so that they may find the exalted ecstasy that God has prepared for them.
Required Responsibilities within Marriage
With such an emphasis on simply "getting married" we sometimes forget to continue to guide couples in order that they be able to create their dreams of "happily ever after." The following are some of the responsibilities that couples must accept in order to create the fulfilling intimate relationship that is possible in marriage:
Marital Responsibilities:
To become self-aware through intimate attention and introspection.
To enroll oneself in serious and significant self-development and personal growth.
To develop unconditional love and acceptance for self and spouse.
To heal and become whole, in order to become ONE.
To identify and be willing to stretch to meet another's needs.
To remain receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater growth and development.
1—To become self-aware
Self-awareness is underdeveloped in many of us. We spend years and years studying for success in a particular profession, yet very little time studying ourselves for success in an intimate relationship. We enter marriage nearly blind to the liabilities and even the assets we bring to the relationship. While we may be ignorant of the potential problems that await, we are also ignorant of the potential solutions already within us.
Self-discovery Journal. Self-discovery is the process of uncovering who we really are—the good and the bad. We need to consciously and confidently know our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. We must regularly dedicate some of our time and effort to taking inventory of our inner selves. A "Self-discovery Journal" is one effective way to be more attentive to our thoughts, feelings and behaviors on a daily basis. Journal therapy is the method of reflecting on our thoughts or feelings, and then putting them into words on paper to help us identify, articulate and process our inner lives. In many ways our participation in the Gospel of Jesus Christ is really about our inner self—how we are developing our spirit self.
Asking Questions.Asking introspective questions can also open our minds to the answers and insights that lie within—"Why do I do that?" "What is this about?" "Where is this coming from?" "How do I really want to be?" Developing an inquisitive mind about oneself opens the door to daily revelations of information that are essential to knowing yourself, and knowing how to unite intimately with another human being. We have the help of our spirit self, as well as the Spirit of God, to guide us in our introspection. Committing this thought processing to paper provides additional growth beyond solely "thinking" about it.
Becoming self-aware can be a difficult process. We may not want to know some things about ourselves. We each have hidden beliefs and characteristics that we don't necessarily like. We'd rather just avoid thinking about them, and hope they might just go away! In my own quest to understand who I am, I have uncovered many things that have been disconcerting, yet pivotal to my greater understanding and ultimate growth.
One example is that somewhere I had developed an unhealthy emphasis on my "doings" over my "being." What I thought was such a strength was also a weakness. I learned that I had somehow picked up the idea that I had to be "productive" or "accomplish" something to be of worth—that my "being" alone was not enough. Elder Dallin H. Oaks addressed this issue of how we worry so much about our "doings" that we neglect to focus on what we are becoming (see "The Challenge to Become," Ensign, Nov. 2000, 32). This issue has affected my life and relationships in many ways. But being aware of this insight has now allowed me to make changes in myself that have resulted in growth and great blessings.
2—To engage in significant self-development
It's been said that marriages don't break up because of what couples do to each other. They break up because of what each must become in order to stay in them (see Ban Breathnach, Something More, 117). Change can be difficult. We often want to change the world (and other people), but we don't want to change ourselves. We think it's the other person that needs to change, especially if they have some obvious or identifiable flaw. But the reality is that every challenge couples face in their marriage, provides equal opportunity for each to purify and perfect their own souls, if they will focus on their part.
While we spend much of our time wishing our spouse would change, we would be much more effective if we would focus on changing ourselves. President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that we can "live together in the God-given pattern of marriage in accomplishing that of which we are capable if we will exercise discipline of self and refrain from trying to discipline our companion" (Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82).
Personal growth is not optional within marriage. Know that when you marry, it is not an optional activity to invest yourself in an intensive self-directed personal development "course." Just plan on it. It will be less of a shock to you when you are confronted with the requirement to change. Marriage demands soul-stretching self-development in ways that are not always easy or convenient. Healthy and happy marriages are most likely to be experienced by those willing to step outside their comfort zones and even expand them!
Marriage is therapy. Marriage is designed as intimate therapy for our heart and soul. We are naturally attracted to someone who will push our buttons. Their personal needs and inner-self issues will be well suited to help us see our weaknesses, and invite us toward wholeness. Dr. Harville Hendrix taught, "Marriage itself is in essence therapy, and your partner's needs chart your path to psychological and spiritual wholeness." (Hendrix, Keeping the Love You Find, 247).
Within the crucible of marriage I have been faced with many opportunities for personal growth. One such opportunity presented itself as I became aware of my relative resistance to touch and affection. It's often true that marriage attracts opposites, or at least those with complementary characteristics. My husband was comfortable with and welcomed touch and affection; whereas I felt I could go without. This "positive" but opposing characteristic in my husband provided a mirror, showing me how I could be, and inviting me to change.
Over time I have changed. Knowing personal growth is a requirement in creating a satisfying relationship, I have learned to enjoy touch and affection, even though it was a stretch for me. Where I once could not fall asleep if my husband was touching me in any way, I now cannot sleep if he is NOT!
If you are a non-toucher, just plan on needing to become more of a toucher. If you are non-expressive emotionally, just plan on needing to become more emotionally expressive. If you are not a sexual person, just plan on needing to become a more sexual person. Having a preliminary understanding of the intricacies and inherent adjustments needed in marriage can help you change in ways that will inevitably be asked of you in order to keep your relationship alive and growing.
Sometimes we are tempted to say of our weaknesses, "That's just the way I am," in hopes that our spouse will just forget about it or deal with it. In marriage there is no such luxury of ignoring our imperfections for long. President George Q. Cannon taught that we have a duty to overcome our weaknesses by seeking those characteristics that will counteract our "natural" tendencies. He said:
"If any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift that will make us perfect. Have I imperfections? I am full of them. What is my duty? To pray to God to give me the gifts that will correct these imperfections. If I am an angry man, it is my duty to pray for charity, which suffereth long and is kind. Am I an envious man? It is my duty to seek for charity, which envieth not. So with all the gifts of the Gospel. They are intended for this purpose. No man ought to say, `Oh, I cannot help this; it is my nature.' He is not justified in it, for the reason that God has promised to give strength to correct these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate them" (Doctrine and Covenants and Church History Teacher's Manual, 84-85; see also Millennial Star, 23 Apr. 1894, 260).
God has promised to show us our weaknesses, in order to humble us and exhibit His power of grace to make our weaknesses into strengths (see Ether 12:27). Consider the possibility that your spouse is God's way of helping you to see your imperfections through the "marital mirror" that both husbands and wives hold up before each other, allowing each to see things they might otherwise ignore. In some ways getting married is like hiring a full-time witness of your follies and weaknesses, with an ever-present invitation to overcome them.
Get educated and get help. One of the saddest things I see is couples who do not realize how much personal growth is needed in marriage, and who wait too long to get help when they've exhausted their own know-how. If couples could go into marriage knowing they are going to need some extensive marriage education, as well as the personal guidance available through professional counseling, then maybe couples wouldn't see counseling in such a stigmatized way, nor would they wait so long to engage some professional assistance.
What a waste when a couple finally realizes they need counseling, but one or both of them have hardened their hearts, and checked out of the marriage to the extent that it is difficult, if not impossible, to save the marriage and avert the inevitable heartbreak for all involved.
Marriage education classes, courses, conferences, books and seminars are a few ways to learn the intricacies of marriage, and develop the relationship skills necessary to create a happy and healthy marriage. One mother wisely told her children to never pass up an opportunity to attend any class or course on marriage. How wonderful it would be if we all felt that same way about obtaining marriage education.
Professional counseling is primarily educational as well, but can provide the specific help that is often needed. I would suggest that nearly every marriage can benefit from counseling, when sought with the help of the Lord. Statistics show that relatively few couples seek the assistance of counseling, even though it has the potential to save marriages and prevent heartbreak.
Don't wait until your marriage is on the brink of dissolution before you begin the humbling journey of self-reflection and development, or before seeking marital assistance through counseling. Don't wait to be compelled to be humble!
3—To develop unconditional love and acceptance for self and spouse.
God has commanded us to love our neighbors (our spouse) as ourselves (see Matthew 22:39). To love oneself requires that we know who we really are, and accept who we are—our strengths and weaknesses. With the self-awareness suggested above we can come to know and accept who we are, which helps us become whole within ourselves. It is then we are in a position to become "one" with another person.
Loving and accepting ourselves unconditionally is an important first step in being able to love our spouse. It is difficult to love and accept another if we don't love and accept our self first. Our capacity to love is related to our personal well-being—our mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves or the "wholeness" of our heart. We can increase our ability and capacity to love by increasing love and acceptance for ourselves. If we do not develop sufficient love for ourselves, our life becomes focused more on getting love than on giving love.
Accepting ourselves has a marvelous side effect—it frees us to change. William James wisely stated, "When I accept myself as I am, I change. When I accept others as they are, they change" (Beam, Becoming One, 97). Acceptance is the key to unlock divine potential within ourselves, and our spouse. It frees us from limiting personal prisons we have created to protect ourselves. Accepting our spouse frees them from the limiting ways in which we see them, removing their defensiveness, which can open the door for them to willingly change. The best way to get someone to change is to let go of trying to change them, and just love them instead.
Accepting our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons our spouse can help us learn. None of us are perfect, but we each have God-given goodness if we will look for it. Having the ability to love and accept another without conditions is to develop the kind of love God has for each of us.
Focusing our attention on another's strengths and goodness helps us to let go of trying to "fix" them, and allows them to learn and grow in their own time and space. This state of unconditional love and acceptance creates the ideal conditions for one's maximum potential growth and development. If there is built-up resentment or bitterness over past errors, seek God's grace to soften your heart. A softened heart allows us to grant the gift of forgiveness, in order to make way for unconditional love and acceptance.
Whether it is when a spouse is unwilling to overcome an addiction, or when a spouse has fears and inhibitions of which they are not yet ready to let go, all couples will be required to learn to love and accept their spouse unconditionally. Count on it!
4—To become whole, in order to become ONE.
God our Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to be ONE, husband and wife, even as they are ONE (see John 17:22). God has also said, "Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine" (D&C 38:27). The self-awareness, self-development and self-acceptance that have been suggested above are for the purpose of restoring our individual wholeness, of overcoming our imperfections, and of gaining in areas that we are lacking, so that we may become ONE with our spouse and with God.
Knowing that the ultimate ideal we are working toward is our personal wholeness and marital ONEness can help us see that our difficult efforts are worth it, and help spur us on amidst the soul-rending process.
5—To identify and be willing to stretch to meet your spouse's needs.
Marriage is about meeting each other's needs. We marry in hopes that our spouse will make everything all right—that we will finally be happy. But we tend to focus more on them meeting, or not meeting, our needs than on how well we are meeting their needs. Many couples are not even fully aware of what their personal needs are and what their spouse's needs are. Thus the necessity of self-awareness and spouse-awareness!
Knowing that couples need to consciously identify and share their specific needs with each other (either verbally or preferably written) can help couples prevent much pain and avoid missing out on many precious feelings of love. I remember the story of a couple whose 30-year marriage was on the verge of divorce when they finally went to see a marriage counselor. After some discussion the husband discovered for the first time what made his wife feel loved. He was heartsick at the realization of what he could have been doing all along that could have prevented so much of their heartache. In anguish he exclaimed, "Why?! Why didn't somebody tell me about this sooner."
Couples need to identify their specific, individualized needs for love, and share that vital information with each other. It can be as simple as both of you making a list of statements that complete the phrase, "I feel loved/cherished when you..." Sharing this information is as if giving each other the very key to your heart. These critical insights allow husbands and wives to be more effective at loving each other meaningfully.
Meeting each other's needs for love can be challenging. Apparently God knew that what our spouse most needs from us might also be that which is most difficult for us to give. This may be part of the divine design for personal refinement within marriage, as we stretch to meet our spouse's needs. Every time we stretch ourselves to love another, we receive personal healing of our own hearts that moves us toward our own wholeness. Each gift of love we give, especially those that are hard for us, comes back to us greatly multiplied.
President Hinckley taught, "If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce" (Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82).
There are many examples of the challenges associated with loving our spouse the way they most need to be loved. One wife feels loved when her husband buys her things, but that husband has the hardest time spending money...coming from a frugal family. In another marriage, the husband feels loved when he hears words of praise, appreciation and encouragement, but his wife's natural inclination is to criticize and look for faults. It is terribly difficult for her to love her husband in the way he most needs her to. What of the many men whose primary feelings of love come from expressions of sexual love, whose wives have a disdain for sex? Obviously significant self-awareness and development will be needed in order to meet each other's needs for love.
6—To remain receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater growth and development.
The sixth marital responsibility I will mention is the need for each of us to remain receptive to the ongoing opportunities that will be presented for our continuing growth and development. In simpler terms we must maintain a soft heart. The state of our heart is of utmost importance not only in our relationships, but also to the Lord. The Lord asks us to offer him a "broken heart and a contrite spirit" (3 Nephi 9:20). Maybe our heartaches help us give this gift of a softened heart, as our heart is broken and refined within the inherent challenges of marriage.
How might we maintain the state of a softened heart? Some suggestions are:
To be grateful in all things, acknowledging God's hand;
To repent daily of our weaknesses;
To be humble and teachable, always ready to learn;
To forgive others and let go of offenses, turning our heartaches over to the Lord;
To have faith and believe in the positive in all things;
To nourish our hearts and minds with the Word of God;
To pray; and
To submit to the Will of God, trusting Him, and aligning our lives with Him.
Wouldn't it be wonderful for all couples to be fully aware of the demands and delights of marriage, and for them to willingly agree to commit to the required responsibilities? The expectations would no longer be such a surprise, and the transition from romantic love to real love could flow much more smoothly.
I've always thought it might be helpful for couples to offer their hearts in marriage by agreeing to some kind of mutual "Marital Informed Consent" pledge. This would indicate their educated understanding of the intricacies of marriage and the efforts that will be required of them. Below is a sample of what couples might want to personally consider, accept, and pledge their souls to regarding the adventure we call marriage:
Marital Pledge
I pledge to come to know myself and develop greater self-awareness by identifying my strengths and weaknesses. I pledge to focus my attention and efforts on overcoming my weaknesses and building upon my strengths. I commit myself to spend regular amounts of time and effort to search my soul and connect with God to teach me what I need to know about myself. I willingly and humbly receive this learning.
I pledge to invest myself in an ongoing, internal self-development process where I put in the necessary effort to overcome my weaknesses, which will allow me to become more whole, as an individual, and to become more ONE with my spouse and God.
I pledge to learn to love and accept myself without conditions, and to do the same for my spouse. I understand that unconditional love is the best environment in which I and my spouse can learn, grow and change.
I pledge to focus on my own weaknesses and my own contributions to our marital challenges rather than on my spouse's faults. As a creator of my life with God-given agency, I pledge to take full responsibility for my actions in any given situation.
I understand that marriage is about meeting each other's needs, even those needs that are difficult for me, or that require significant stretching on my part. I pledge to change myself in whatever ways are needed to be able to love my spouse and meet his/her needs in the way they need me to. I understand that by so doing I heal my own inadequacies and become more whole.
I understand that I have naturally attracted someone whose needs are well suited to require the inevitable growth I need to become whole. This understanding will help me to see our marital challenges as opportunities for growth rather than as proof that I've married the wrong person.
I pledge to remain attentive to the state of my heart and engage in those things that will help me maintain a softened heart, so that I will be able to continue to learn and grow throughout my life.
I understand that should I decide to end this marriage relationship that the demanding personal growth necessary in marriage will still be required in any future relationships.
"Happily ever after" in marriage is possible. It is within reach for all couples. Marriage holds within its embrace the highest bliss, the sweetest connectedness, the warmest touch, and the greatest peace. With a marital road map to identify the required mountain climbs, as well as some of the curves in the road, couples can be better prepared and better equipped for the refiner's fire we call marriage. It is through the refiner's fire that the yearning for intimate connection is ultimately fulfilled; for marriage truly holds the ultimate ecstasy and joy that life and eternity has to offer.
(For more information, see Chapter 13 "Marital Stewardship—Covenants, Commitment and Challenges" in the book And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.)
REFERENCES
Ban Breathnach, Sarah. Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self. New York: Warner Books, 1999.
Beam, Joe. Becoming One: Emotionally, Spiritually, Sexually. West Monroe: Howard Publishing, 1999.
Doctrine and Covenants and Church History: Gospel Doctrine Teacher's Manual. Salt Lake City, 1999.
Hendrix, Harville. Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide. New York: Pocket Books, 1992.
Hinckley, Gordon B. "The Women in Our Lives," Ensign, Nov. 2004.
Oaks, Dallin H. "The Challenge to Become," Ensign, Nov. 2000.
© 2005 Deseret Book Co.
From The Proclamation on the Family
..."The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. ".....
from the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, September 23, 1995
Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. ".....
from the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, September 23, 1995
the decision to love
As a friend of mine with 12 children told me after the birth of my sixth child, “you have a good start; the first six are the hardest”. So I would say about marriage, the first 20 years are the hardest. [Perhaps not so long if you have fewer or no children.] Children, add a whole other dimension to the equation, along with both spouses working.
An article I read once, which I will be posting as well, speaks of “falling” in and out of love. Falling indicates an accident and in a marriage setting, that is a very dangerous feeling to have. Two people meet. Find joy in sharing time together. Decide to make a commitment to one another by being wed. The wedding day comes and is glorious. Everyone is so happy and filled with love and joy. How does a day like that get forgotten? How do all of the things that led up to that point get lost? How do a couple so filled with love and joy get to a point that one can say to the other, “I don’t love you anymore, in fact, I never loved you.”?
Marriage is like any other living thing. In order for it to survive, it must be nourished and fed. If it isn't, we are letting it die, or worse yet, killing it.
Marriage is not just ordained of God, it is a necessary institution for happiness in everyday life, in society. Divorce and intimate relationships outside of marriage are very selfish actions that are detrimental not only to families, but to society as a whole. As people use the excuse for divorce that they deserve a little happiness in this life, are they thinking of the right of their children to also experience happiness etc. As children are being born into this world without the benefit of two loving parents to teach them how to be good citizens and surround them in security and love, we see a huge rise in law breaking and lack of concern for anyone besides “me”.
An article I read once, which I will be posting as well, speaks of “falling” in and out of love. Falling indicates an accident and in a marriage setting, that is a very dangerous feeling to have. Two people meet. Find joy in sharing time together. Decide to make a commitment to one another by being wed. The wedding day comes and is glorious. Everyone is so happy and filled with love and joy. How does a day like that get forgotten? How do all of the things that led up to that point get lost? How do a couple so filled with love and joy get to a point that one can say to the other, “I don’t love you anymore, in fact, I never loved you.”?
Marriage is like any other living thing. In order for it to survive, it must be nourished and fed. If it isn't, we are letting it die, or worse yet, killing it.
Marriage is not just ordained of God, it is a necessary institution for happiness in everyday life, in society. Divorce and intimate relationships outside of marriage are very selfish actions that are detrimental not only to families, but to society as a whole. As people use the excuse for divorce that they deserve a little happiness in this life, are they thinking of the right of their children to also experience happiness etc. As children are being born into this world without the benefit of two loving parents to teach them how to be good citizens and surround them in security and love, we see a huge rise in law breaking and lack of concern for anyone besides “me”.
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