The Adventure of Marriage
by Laura M. Brotherson
July 18, 2005
Printed from Mormon Life (http://deseretbook.com/mormon-life)
"Happily ever after" is possible in marriage, but few of us
seem to understand, or are willing to do what it takes to create "happily
ever after!" Often we are simply unaware of our responsibilities and the
requirements of marriage. The purpose of this article is to awaken our hearts
and minds to the responsibilities within marriage, and to fortify our faith
that marital ONEness is worth the effort.
Marriage is Central to God's Plan
Marriage is central to God's eternal plan for good reason—it is
divinely designed as one of the great purifiers of the soul. Marriage holds the
potential for life's greatest bliss, but blissful moments are mixed in with a
lot of soul?expanding personal growth. In designing marriage God not only
provided for the fulfillment of our deepest longings for intimate connection,
but also coupled it with some of our greatest struggles to drive us toward
wholeness.
Wholeness may be described as our quest for perfection, as we strive to
smooth off our rough edges; to overcome our sins and weaknesses; to develop our
undeveloped capacities; to become fully alive and fully functioning.
God has provided an opportunity and commandment for personal refinement
within the adventure of marriage. He invites husband and wife to leave their
mother and father, and cleave unto each other and become ONE (see Genesis
2:24). It is as if marriage itself is an enrollment in an excavation of the
heart, mind, and soul with the intent to graduate each of us into something
more.
Marriage is our invitation to become whole, while in the process of
becoming ONE with our spouse—emotionally, spiritually and physically. We have
the choice to avoid the hard work of stretching and purifying our souls, or we
can roll up our sleeves and go to work! To take two different creatures from
differing backgrounds and expect a "coming together as ONE" is an
adventure indeed.
While there is much we can individually do to develop ourselves
emotionally, spiritually, and physically, the committed, vulnerable and
intimate relationship of marriage provides opportunities for growth that may
not be available any other way.
Marriage Is a Surprise "Grab Bag"
Marriage is the ultimate surprise "grab bag"—where you never
really know what you're going to get. Couples may not realize that within
marriage they will discover that their spouse has needs of which neither of
them were previously aware. Life itself throws a few curve balls to challenge
us. The ongoing process of learning and growth also introduces new demands on
the relationship. One example might be of a spouse developing a debilitating or
chronic illness where each must develop new abilities to meet each other's
needs.
Not understanding marriage as a "grab bag" leads some to feel
they've been cheated. They complain that what they thought they were getting is
not what they ended up with. The fact is that we are all taken aback somewhat
by the experiences life and marriage hands us.
For all couples, once the anesthesia and initial thrill of romantic
love wears off, we unexpectedly find ourselves with a new and different spouse
and relationship. We may even find that we, ourselves, are not who we thought
we were. I had no idea that I would experience the devastation of depression,
nor did my husband. That was certainly a surprise that we found in our marital
grab bag.
We buy our marital grab bag with great hopes and expectations,
believing all will be well. If we will exercise faith, we can know that all
things (even difficult things) will give us experience, and be for our ultimate
good (see D&C 122:7). It's a wise part of the divine design that our grab
bag comes with a no-return policy, so that we will hang in there through the
darkness and the pain in order to get to the light and joy. Couples must
understand that often the greatest joy and happiness comes from successfully
enduring the mountain climbs of life, not in avoiding them.
Some who have not yet entered the adventure of marriage stand at the
sidelines longing to trade in their current pain of loneliness for the joys
that marriage affords. Others stand outside with fear and trepidation at the
thought of all that marriage entails, not understanding that the treasure is
worth any trial. Nothing can compare to the peace, joy and delight available in
marriage, but neither will anything exact such a price.
Others have entered the adventure of marriage, but they are unaware of
how to move from the initial high of romantic love, through the fire of
conflict into the awakening—transforming their relationship into real love and
intimate ONEness. Many of these good souls choose to exit the drama not knowing
that it can lead them to the greatest joys. Others hold on, but check out
emotionally, going through the motions of marriage just enough to get by.
My hope is that all who read this article will be ardently aware of the
blessed adventure of marriage, and feel inspired to engage themselves fully, so
that they may find the exalted ecstasy that God has prepared for them.
Required Responsibilities within Marriage
With such an emphasis on simply "getting married" we
sometimes forget to continue to guide couples in order that they be able to
create their dreams of "happily ever after." The following are some
of the responsibilities that couples must accept in order to create the
fulfilling intimate relationship that is possible in marriage:
Marital Responsibilities:
To become
self-aware through intimate attention and introspection.
To enroll oneself
in serious and significant self-development and personal growth.
To develop
unconditional love and acceptance for self and spouse.
To heal and
become whole, in order to become ONE.
To identify and
be willing to stretch to meet another's needs.
To remain
receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater growth and development.
1—To become self-aware
Self-awareness is underdeveloped in many of us. We spend years and
years studying for success in a particular profession, yet very little time
studying ourselves for success in an intimate relationship. We enter marriage
nearly blind to the liabilities and even the assets we bring to the
relationship. While we may be ignorant of the potential problems that await, we
are also ignorant of the potential solutions already within us.
Self-discovery Journal. Self-discovery is the process of uncovering who we really are—the good
and the bad. We need to consciously and confidently know our strengths, as well
as our weaknesses. We must regularly dedicate some of our time and effort to
taking inventory of our inner selves. A "Self-discovery Journal" is
one effective way to be more attentive to our thoughts, feelings and behaviors
on a daily basis. Journal therapy is the method of reflecting on our thoughts
or feelings, and then putting them into words on paper to help us identify,
articulate and process our inner lives. In many ways our participation in the
Gospel of Jesus Christ is really about our inner self—how we are developing our
spirit self.
Asking Questions.Asking
introspective questions can also open our minds to the answers and insights
that lie within—"Why do I do that?" "What is this about?"
"Where is this coming from?" "How do I really want to be?"
Developing an inquisitive mind about oneself opens the door to daily
revelations of information that are essential to knowing yourself, and knowing
how to unite intimately with another human being. We have the help of our
spirit self, as well as the Spirit of God, to guide us in our introspection.
Committing this thought processing to paper provides additional growth beyond
solely "thinking" about it.
Becoming self-aware can be a difficult process. We may not want to know
some things about ourselves. We each have hidden beliefs and characteristics
that we don't necessarily like. We'd rather just avoid thinking about them, and
hope they might just go away! In my own quest to understand who I am, I have
uncovered many things that have been disconcerting, yet pivotal to my greater understanding
and ultimate growth.
One example is that somewhere I had developed an unhealthy emphasis on
my "doings" over my "being." What I thought was such a
strength was also a weakness. I learned that I had somehow picked up the idea
that I had to be "productive" or "accomplish" something to
be of worth—that my "being" alone was not enough. Elder Dallin H.
Oaks addressed this issue of how we worry so much about our "doings"
that we neglect to focus on what we are becoming (see "The Challenge to
Become," Ensign, Nov. 2000, 32). This issue has affected my life and
relationships in many ways. But being aware of this insight has now allowed me
to make changes in myself that have resulted in growth and great blessings.
2—To engage in significant self-development
It's been said that marriages don't break up because of what couples do
to each other. They break up because of what each must become in order to stay
in them (see Ban Breathnach, Something More, 117). Change can be
difficult. We often want to change the world (and other people), but we don't
want to change ourselves. We think it's the other person that needs to change,
especially if they have some obvious or identifiable flaw. But the reality is
that every challenge couples face in their marriage, provides equal opportunity
for each to purify and perfect their own souls, if they will focus on their
part.
While we spend much of our time wishing our spouse would change, we
would be much more effective if we would focus on changing ourselves. President
Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that we can "live together in the
God-given pattern of marriage in accomplishing that of which we are capable if
we will exercise discipline of self and refrain from trying to discipline our
companion" (Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82).
Personal growth is not optional within marriage. Know that when you marry, it is not an optional
activity to invest yourself in an intensive self-directed personal development
"course." Just plan on it. It will be less of a shock to you when you
are confronted with the requirement to change. Marriage demands soul-stretching
self-development in ways that are not always easy or convenient. Healthy and
happy marriages are most likely to be experienced by those willing to step
outside their comfort zones and even expand them!
Marriage is therapy. Marriage
is designed as intimate therapy for our heart and soul. We are naturally
attracted to someone who will push our buttons. Their personal needs and
inner-self issues will be well suited to help us see our weaknesses, and invite
us toward wholeness. Dr. Harville Hendrix taught, "Marriage itself is in
essence therapy, and your partner's needs chart your path to psychological and
spiritual wholeness." (Hendrix, Keeping the Love You Find, 247).
Within the crucible of marriage I have been faced with many
opportunities for personal growth. One such opportunity presented itself as I
became aware of my relative resistance to touch and affection. It's often true
that marriage attracts opposites, or at least those with complementary
characteristics. My husband was comfortable with and welcomed touch and
affection; whereas I felt I could go without. This "positive" but
opposing characteristic in my husband provided a mirror, showing me how I could
be, and inviting me to change.
Over time I have changed. Knowing personal growth is a requirement in
creating a satisfying relationship, I have learned to enjoy touch and
affection, even though it was a stretch for me. Where I once could not fall
asleep if my husband was touching me in any way, I now cannot sleep if he is
NOT!
If you are a non-toucher, just plan on needing to become more of a
toucher. If you are non-expressive emotionally, just plan on needing to become
more emotionally expressive. If you are not a sexual person, just plan on
needing to become a more sexual person. Having a preliminary understanding of
the intricacies and inherent adjustments needed in marriage can help you change
in ways that will inevitably be asked of you in order to keep your relationship
alive and growing.
Sometimes we are tempted to say of our weaknesses, "That's just
the way I am," in hopes that our spouse will just forget about it or deal
with it. In marriage there is no such luxury of ignoring our imperfections for
long. President George Q. Cannon taught that we have a duty to overcome our
weaknesses by seeking those characteristics that will counteract our
"natural" tendencies. He said:
"If any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift
that will make us perfect. Have I imperfections? I am full of them. What is my
duty? To pray to God to give me the gifts that will correct these
imperfections. If I am an angry man, it is my duty to pray for charity, which
suffereth long and is kind. Am I an envious man? It is my duty to seek for
charity, which envieth not. So with all the gifts of the Gospel. They are
intended for this purpose. No man ought to say, `Oh, I cannot help this; it is
my nature.' He is not justified in it, for the reason that God has promised to
give strength to correct these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate
them" (Doctrine and
Covenants and Church History Teacher's Manual, 84-85; see also Millennial Star,
23 Apr. 1894, 260).
God has promised to show us our weaknesses, in order to humble us and
exhibit His power of grace to make our weaknesses into strengths (see Ether
12:27). Consider the possibility that your spouse is God's way of helping you
to see your imperfections through the "marital mirror" that both
husbands and wives hold up before each other, allowing each to see things they
might otherwise ignore. In some ways getting married is like hiring a full-time
witness of your follies and weaknesses, with an ever-present invitation to
overcome them.
Get educated and get help. One of the saddest things I see is couples who do not realize how much
personal growth is needed in marriage, and who wait too long to get help when
they've exhausted their own know-how. If couples could go into marriage knowing
they are going to need some extensive marriage education, as well as the
personal guidance available through professional counseling, then maybe couples
wouldn't see counseling in such a stigmatized way, nor would they wait so long
to engage some professional assistance.
What a waste when a couple finally realizes they need counseling, but
one or both of them have hardened their hearts, and checked out of the marriage
to the extent that it is difficult, if not impossible, to save the marriage and
avert the inevitable heartbreak for all involved.
Marriage education classes, courses, conferences, books and seminars
are a few ways to learn the intricacies of marriage, and develop the
relationship skills necessary to create a happy and healthy marriage. One
mother wisely told her children to never pass up an opportunity to attend any
class or course on marriage. How wonderful it would be if we all felt that same
way about obtaining marriage education.
Professional counseling is primarily educational as well, but can
provide the specific help that is often needed. I would suggest that nearly
every marriage can benefit from counseling, when sought with the help of the
Lord. Statistics show that relatively few couples seek the assistance of
counseling, even though it has the potential to save marriages and prevent
heartbreak.
Don't wait until your marriage is on the brink of dissolution before
you begin the humbling journey of self-reflection and development, or before
seeking marital assistance through counseling. Don't wait to be compelled to be
humble!
3—To develop unconditional love and acceptance for self and spouse.
God has commanded us to love our neighbors (our spouse) as ourselves
(see Matthew 22:39). To love oneself requires that we know who we really are,
and accept who we are—our strengths and weaknesses. With the self-awareness
suggested above we can come to know and accept who we are, which helps us
become whole within ourselves. It is then we are in a position to become
"one" with another person.
Loving and accepting ourselves unconditionally is an important first
step in being able to love our spouse. It is difficult to love and accept
another if we don't love and accept our self first. Our capacity to love is
related to our personal well-being—our mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves
or the "wholeness" of our heart. We can increase our ability and
capacity to love by increasing love and acceptance for ourselves. If we do not
develop sufficient love for ourselves, our life becomes focused more on getting
love than on giving love.
Accepting ourselves has a marvelous side effect—it frees us to change.
William James wisely stated, "When I accept myself as I am, I change. When
I accept others as they are, they change" (Beam, Becoming One, 97).
Acceptance is the key to unlock divine potential within ourselves, and our
spouse. It frees us from limiting personal prisons we have created to protect
ourselves. Accepting our spouse frees them from the limiting ways in which we
see them, removing their defensiveness, which can open the door for them to
willingly change. The best way to get someone to change is to let go of trying
to change them, and just love them instead.
Accepting our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons
our spouse can help us learn. None of us are perfect, but we each have
God-given goodness if we will look for it. Having the ability to love and
accept another without conditions is to develop the kind of love God has for
each of us.
Focusing our attention on another's strengths and goodness helps us to
let go of trying to "fix" them, and allows them to learn and grow in
their own time and space. This state of unconditional love and acceptance
creates the ideal conditions for one's maximum potential growth and
development. If there is built-up resentment or bitterness over past errors,
seek God's grace to soften your heart. A softened heart allows us to grant the
gift of forgiveness, in order to make way for unconditional love and
acceptance.
Whether it is when a spouse is unwilling to overcome an addiction, or
when a spouse has fears and inhibitions of which they are not yet ready to let
go, all couples will be required to learn to love and accept their spouse
unconditionally. Count on it!
4—To become whole, in order to become ONE.
God our Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to be ONE, husband and
wife, even as they are ONE (see John 17:22). God has also said, "Be one;
and if ye are not one ye are not mine" (D&C 38:27). The
self-awareness, self-development and self-acceptance that have been suggested
above are for the purpose of restoring our individual wholeness, of overcoming
our imperfections, and of gaining in areas that we are lacking, so that we may
become ONE with our spouse and with God.
Knowing that the ultimate ideal we are working toward is our personal
wholeness and marital ONEness can help us see that our difficult efforts are
worth it, and help spur us on amidst the soul-rending process.
5—To identify and be willing to stretch to meet your spouse's needs.
Marriage is about meeting each other's needs. We marry in hopes that
our spouse will make everything all right—that we will finally be happy. But we
tend to focus more on them meeting, or not meeting, our needs than on how well
we are meeting their needs. Many couples are not even fully aware of what their
personal needs are and what their spouse's needs are. Thus the necessity of
self-awareness and spouse-awareness!
Knowing that couples need to consciously identify and share their
specific needs with each other (either verbally or preferably written) can help
couples prevent much pain and avoid missing out on many precious feelings of
love. I remember the story of a couple whose 30-year marriage was on the verge
of divorce when they finally went to see a marriage counselor. After some discussion
the husband discovered for the first time what made his wife feel loved. He was
heartsick at the realization of what he could have been doing all along that
could have prevented so much of their heartache. In anguish he exclaimed,
"Why?! Why didn't somebody tell me about this sooner."
Couples need to identify their specific, individualized needs for love,
and share that vital information with each other. It can be as simple as both
of you making a list of statements that complete the phrase, "I feel loved/cherished
when you..." Sharing this information is as if giving each other the
very key to your heart. These critical insights allow husbands and wives to be
more effective at loving each other meaningfully.
Meeting each other's needs for love can be challenging. Apparently God knew that what our spouse most
needs from us might also be that which is most difficult for us to give. This
may be part of the divine design for personal refinement within marriage, as we
stretch to meet our spouse's needs. Every time we stretch ourselves to love
another, we receive personal healing of our own hearts that moves us toward our
own wholeness. Each gift of love we give, especially those that are hard for
us, comes back to us greatly multiplied.
President Hinckley taught, "If every husband and every wife would
constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of
his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce"
(Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82).
There are many examples of the challenges associated with loving our
spouse the way they most need to be loved. One wife feels loved when her
husband buys her things, but that husband has the hardest time spending
money...coming from a frugal family. In another marriage, the husband feels
loved when he hears words of praise, appreciation and encouragement, but his
wife's natural inclination is to criticize and look for faults. It is terribly
difficult for her to love her husband in the way he most needs her to. What of
the many men whose primary feelings of love come from expressions of sexual
love, whose wives have a disdain for sex? Obviously significant self-awareness
and development will be needed in order to meet each other's needs for love.
6—To remain receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater growth and
development.
The sixth marital responsibility I will mention is the need for each of
us to remain receptive to the ongoing opportunities that will be presented for
our continuing growth and development. In simpler terms we must maintain a soft
heart. The state of our heart is of utmost importance not only in our
relationships, but also to the Lord. The Lord asks us to offer him a
"broken heart and a contrite spirit" (3 Nephi 9:20). Maybe our
heartaches help us give this gift of a softened heart, as our heart is broken
and refined within the inherent challenges of marriage.
How might we maintain the state of a softened heart? Some suggestions
are:
To be grateful in all things, acknowledging
God's hand;
To repent daily of our weaknesses;
To be humble and teachable, always ready to
learn;
To forgive others and let go of offenses,
turning our heartaches over to the Lord;
To have faith and believe in the positive in
all things;
To nourish our hearts and minds with the Word of
God;
To pray; and
To submit to the Will of God, trusting Him, and
aligning our lives with Him.
Wouldn't it be wonderful for all couples to be fully aware of the
demands and delights of marriage, and for them to willingly agree to commit to
the required responsibilities? The expectations would no longer be such a
surprise, and the transition from romantic love to real love could flow much
more smoothly.
I've always thought it might be helpful for couples to offer their
hearts in marriage by agreeing to some kind of mutual "Marital Informed
Consent" pledge. This would indicate their educated understanding of the
intricacies of marriage and the efforts that will be required of them. Below is
a sample of what couples might want to personally consider, accept, and pledge
their souls to regarding the adventure we call marriage:
Marital Pledge
I pledge to come to know myself and develop
greater self-awareness by identifying my strengths and weaknesses. I pledge to
focus my attention and efforts on overcoming my weaknesses and building upon my
strengths. I commit myself to spend regular amounts of time and effort to
search my soul and connect with God to teach me what I need to know about
myself. I willingly and humbly receive this learning.
I pledge to invest myself in an ongoing,
internal self-development process where I put in the necessary effort to
overcome my weaknesses, which will allow me to become more whole, as an
individual, and to become more ONE with my spouse and God.
I pledge to learn to love and accept myself
without conditions, and to do the same for my spouse. I understand that
unconditional love is the best environment in which I and my spouse can learn,
grow and change.
I pledge to focus on my own weaknesses and my
own contributions to our marital challenges rather than on my spouse's faults.
As a creator of my life with God-given agency, I pledge to take full
responsibility for my actions in any given situation.
I understand that marriage is about meeting
each other's needs, even those needs that are difficult for me, or that require
significant stretching on my part. I pledge to change myself in whatever ways
are needed to be able to love my spouse and meet his/her needs in the way they
need me to. I understand that by so doing I heal my own inadequacies and become
more whole.
I understand that I have naturally attracted
someone whose needs are well suited to require the inevitable growth I need to
become whole. This understanding will help me to see our marital challenges as
opportunities for growth rather than as proof that I've married the wrong
person.
I pledge to remain attentive to the state of my
heart and engage in those things that will help me maintain a softened heart,
so that I will be able to continue to learn and grow throughout my life.
I understand that should I decide to end this
marriage relationship that the demanding personal growth necessary in marriage
will still be required in any future relationships.
"Happily ever after" in marriage is possible. It is within
reach for all couples. Marriage holds within its embrace the highest bliss, the
sweetest connectedness, the warmest touch, and the greatest peace. With a
marital road map to identify the required mountain climbs, as well as some of
the curves in the road, couples can be better prepared and better equipped for
the refiner's fire we call marriage. It is through the refiner's fire that the
yearning for intimate connection is ultimately fulfilled; for marriage truly
holds the ultimate ecstasy and joy that life and eternity has to offer.
(For more information, see Chapter 13 "Marital
Stewardship—Covenants, Commitment and Challenges" in the book And They
Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.)
REFERENCES
Ban Breathnach, Sarah. Something More: Excavating Your Authentic
Self. New York:
Warner Books, 1999.
Beam, Joe. Becoming One: Emotionally, Spiritually, Sexually. West Monroe: Howard Publishing, 1999.
Doctrine and Covenants and Church History: Gospel Doctrine Teacher's
Manual. Salt Lake City, 1999.
Hendrix, Harville. Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide. New York: Pocket Books,
1992.
Hinckley, Gordon B. "The Women in Our Lives,"
Ensign, Nov. 2004.
Oaks, Dallin H. "The Challenge to Become," Ensign,
Nov. 2000.
© 2005 Deseret Book Co.
